My parents owned some property behind our house. I decided I wanted to masturbate while hanging upside-down. I gathered a few pulleys, some rope, and went to this large tree where I liked to masturbate. After some rigging, and wearing only a pair of my dad's old army boots, I managed to hoist myself up by a rope around my ankles, and was able to lash the rope to a limb. Completely naked — and helpless — I masturbated hanging upside-down in the woods. Any number of neighborhood kids could have come upon me, hanging there in the hot summer shade and doing my business. I've never done it since, but I would like to do it again!
- age 19, Kentucky
When I was around 16 years old, I started to become more experimental in my masturbation technique. By then I had become very comfortable with it, so I decided to try some new things, like anal penetration (with a sterile candle — I did a little research on how to make it safe) and different positions. So there I was, hanging upside-down with a candle in me. I had just ejaculated all over myself. That would have been a bad time to be walked in on.
- age 21, British Columbia, Canada
Once a friend brought over a cheap, inflatable doll, and we both took turns using it. We each used it once to get our rocks off, and then we put the doll between us, with one of us on top and the other on the bottom. Talk about a threesome! This would have been hard to explain.
- age 17, California
When I was younger, I used to get more turned on by actually watching myself masturbate, so I would lie down on the floor and set up my 3-way lighted makeup mirror between my legs so I could see myself from three different angles.
- age 31, Missouri (female)
There would have been several very embarrassing situations for me, most of which were times when I was sticking something up my rectum, like a candle or a hot dog. Another very embarrassing time would have been when I was 12 and masturbated by sticking my penis in my piggy bank. Those times would have been the most embarrassing — but if caught masturbating at any time, it would still be embarrassing!
- age 15, Wyoming
Last year I climbed up a door, trying to recreate the famous "climbing the gym rope" trick. It worked fairly well — I thrust my groin up and down the doorframe while balancing my feet on the door handles on either side. Needless to say, it would be just a *bit* embarrassing had my mum or dad come home and found me straddling the door! By the way, if you do attempt this, make sure you can do it without risking injury! You'd have a hard time explaining how you broke a limb by climbing the door!
- age 19, United Kingdom
I would not be embarrassed to be found masturbating. My father has walked in on me lots of times and acts as if I'm doing something as normal as drinking a soda. He just tells me good luck and goes on his way. We have a great relationship because I can talk to him about anything sexual and I know he'll tell me the cut-and-dried truth. It's great!
- age 14, Illinois
I guess masturbating while cycling home from school would have been most embarrassing if someone had noticed. I had a crush on a girl and had seen her many times that day. I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I was so horny I started touching myself only a few minutes after leaving school. After a while more, I took my penis out of my pants and started to stroke it. Thank God it was a quiet area, because this is very illegal.
- age 18, The Netherlands
A few times I have put peanut butter on my penis and let my dog lick it off. I would say that *definitely* would have been the most embarrassing time to get caught.
- age 16, Michigan
I was lying on my back with my legs propped on the wall over my head and ejaculating onto my face and open mouth. Having someone walk in at that particular moment and see me in that situation would be beyond embarrassing.
- age 38, New Hampshire
There was a time when my family had all left the house and I felt the need to masturbate. So like any 14-year-old, I rubbed baby oil all over my body and walked around the house completely naked for a while. Once I felt the "need," I raided my dad's porn drawer, switched on a video, and started. At that point — masturbating, naked, covered in baby oil — I realized just how weird that would look.
- age 14, United Kingdom
Once I was feeling really crazy and started playing with the camcorder. It was late, I was a little drunk, and *very* curious. So I turned on the camcorder and masturbated in front of it. For someone to have walked in then would have been a nightmare!
- age 19, Connecticut
Once I was masturbating in school in the girls' locker room after everyone had left. If someone had walked in then and seen me, I would have just died. It would have spread all around the school, and I would have had to change schools.
- age 16, California (female)
About four years ago, I had the day off — kids in school and wife at work. I went to the video store as soon as it opened and went into the back room to get a couple porn movies. I saw an all-male movie and was very curious, so I rented it. I ended up on the floor with one of my wife's silky nighties on, probing my anus with a condom-covered hotdog to see what it felt like to have anal sex. (Not bad — ha, ha — but I'm afraid to take anything bigger!) I stroked my penis to a fantastic orgasm, soaking the nightie. I am happy I was not caught! I washed the clothing — and to this day when she puts it on, I smile!
- age 52, New Hampshire
When I was 14, I was curious about shaving off my pubic hair. I had quite a patch growing and I thought just maybe, masturbating and orgasm could be enhanced without all that hair down there. So I told my grandma I was going to take a bath to relax. I knew that the shaving (and possibly masturbating) was going to make noise, so I decided to have a stereo in there. I turned on the oldies station and began shaving away with my razor. Not until I started shaving the hair off my testicles did I become extremely aroused, so I put down the razor, and with my (almost) entire pubic area exposed, began to wank. It was one of the biggest orgasms I've ever had. I've shaved since then, but the pleasure isn't nearly as great as it was then. This was definitely one of the times I'm so thankful I wasn't caught. Actually, I've never been caught, thank God!
- age 16, California
I was masturbating in my girlfriend's bedroom — using her vibrator. If she had come in, I would have died.
- age 31, Massachusetts
I was squatting on the bedpost, having inserted the finial on top, and was riding it up and down.
- age 17, New Jersey (female)
Once I was humping a cantaloupe, with a vibrator in my rectum. How do you explain that one — I fell on the fruit and the vibrator accidentally?
- age 41, Colorado
Last week I was alone on a snowy morning and just in my boxers. I made some oatmeal with the innocent intention of eating it, but ended up humping the bowl. The texture and warmth of the oatmeal made it very pleasant — but if somebody had found me, I'd have had a long time getting over it.
- age 15, Maine
I was humping the dog — a cotton-stuffed, life-size golden retriever cuddle toy. I use a Ziploc bag lubed with baby oil, and put it between the dog's legs to simulate a body. It's great — almost like the real thing! (Not like I know what humping a real dog would be like!) Just being caught behind that dog would be grounds for psychiatric rehabilitation.
- age 18, Florida
Two times I can think of right away — once when I was using one of the 7 dwarfs from my sister's play set as a dildo; the other when I was humping a 4-foot-tall stuffedrabbit like it was an actual person.
- age 19, Illinois (female)
I once masturbated on the train. It was 10 o'clock in the evening and no one else was there.
- age 18, Belgium
It could be either the time I was riding a broom handle I had wedged between couch cushions, or when I used the vacuum cleaner on my unit. [Note: Masturbating with a vacuum cleaner is unsafe, so don't do it. -Ed.]
- age 35, Illinois
Those foam pads you sleep on when you go camping — I discovered they provide some great sensations. I put a rolled-up pad between my bed and desk, and then I lube up and pump away. It would be impossible to talk myself out of this if I ever got caught. There also isn't any way I could easily cover up if I needed to.
- age 16, Iowa
Knowing how my family and friends feel about homosexuality (severely homophobic), the most embarrassing thing they could catch me doing would be masturbating with a finger in my anus, watching gay porn. I'm not gay, but I find gay porn erotic and I enjoy rubbing my prostate.
- age 31, Australia
I almost always lock the door, but sometimes I forget. And sometimes I watch male pornography. That would be the killer.
- age 15, Costa Rica
Once I was outside by our barn when no one was home, and I was pumping myself with a watermelon I had cut some holes into. There's no feeling quite like that. Still, to have been "caught" then would have made a real "deer in the headlights" moment!
- age 22, California
I was sitting in front of the computer with my legs up on the desk spread *very* wide! One hand was exploring and buried deep between my legs; the other was pressing keys on the keyboard. It would have been embarrassing if I had been caught because my family isn't open about masturbation. And my brother always has friends over, and he *never* knocks before barging into a room!
- age 14, Australia (female)
Once when I was 17, my parents were out for the day. I put on some of my mum's lingerie, set up our video camera, and performed a strip tease that culminated in a frantic masturbation session with lots of shaving foam. That would have been *very* difficult to explain!
- age 22, United Kingdom
I would have died if my roommate had ever caught me masturbating while sorting through his underwear drawer. I once had his jockstrap around my hand and his boxers over my head. He would have FLIPPED OUT!
- age 19, North Carolina
When I was 12 or 13, I loved to masturbate outside in my backyard. One day I came home from school and had the whole house to myself. I was very horny, so I went outside, stripped down, and started masturbating on a blanket on the lawn. I wanted to do something different, and I was curious what it felt like to have intercourse so I went in my older brother's room and took out a sex doll he had hidden. I took it outside and had intercourse with it in different positions until I had an orgasm.
- age 35, California
I was experimenting to see how many fingers I could get into my vagina, and I had worked my way up to a *very* painful five fingers. I was lying on my bed, legs everywhere, almost my entire hand tucked in down there, FACING THE DOOR! Since my door has no lock, my mom or my little brother (ugh!) could have walked right in. That would have been mortifying to have happen — I shudder at the thought.
- age 17, Colorado (female)
When I was a teenager, I went over to swim at the small, family-owned motel were my mom worked. I was floating in an inner tube (dangling through the hole) and gently rubbing my penis in my swimsuit. I floated around and around so I could watch to see if anyone approached the pool. I'm sure they wouldn't have liked the idea of semen getting into their public swimming pool.
- age 31, Minnesota
My friend (a girl) and I were watching each other masturbate. We were only about 13 then, and if someone had walked in while we were exploring each other's bodies, I would have died. But thank God, no one did and I got to finish myself off.
- age 16, California
I had borrowed a video camera from work for a different reason, but I figured out I could tape myself for enjoyment. I had done a few short tapes of myself and then started masturbating on tape. The next day I played it back, masturbated while I watched, and got a good view of my own clitoris and labia. By the last day, I was really into it — videoing, playing with myself on all fours, on my back, riding a sofa arm, close-ups, etc. — and having the time of my life watching my own finger on my own genitals, while doing the same thing. It was powerful, but it was really self-centered. If anybody had seen me or known about it I would have died. Then I had to take the camera back.
- age 34, Wisconsin (female)
I masturbated during a math class. I was in the last row and just rubbed it through my clothes, but it still would have been embarrassing to be discovered.
- age 17, Iowa
As a boy, I once masturbated by inserting my penis between two strings of my guitar and thrusting into the round hole. Since the strings hurt, I used two washcloths to pad them. It worked out quite nicely — I could hold onto the guitar's body as if it were a woman, and I could adjust the strings' tension to give me just the right friction. But I knew it would be most embarrassing if somebody walked in and saw me having sex with a guitar.
- age 71, Spain
Me masturbating with a wooden spoon handle up my bum, and clothes pegs on my breasts, while watching a homemade porn video showing my dad with a girlfriend of his. If my dad had caught me, I would be embarrassed at the idea that I had caught him being so kinky on video. If someone else had caught me, I'd be embarrassed for them to see my dad in the video and see me looking at him.
- age 14, Ireland (female)
I was in the basement of my fraternity house and decided to relieve myself in the old stone room where we stored our sound equipment. Since I was an officer, it would have been doubly shameful to be found like this.
- age 32, Indiana
Well, this is embarrassing even to say here — but when my mom's friend came to visit us, I snuck into her room, stripped naked, put on her panties and bra, and masturbated in them. The thought of getting caught is just devastating!
- age 17, Maryland
This happened when I was 22 during my study-time at the university. I was once all alone at night in the laboratory, waiting for some measurements. I was bored and saw some microscopes. I decided I wanted to try to look at my own sperm cells. So I just sat there behind the microscope, in the middle of the laboratory, masturbating to produce my "sample." I found it difficult to ejaculate — but when I did, I could indeed look at my own sperms. If someone had entered the room (which was not likely), it sure would have been VERY embarrassing — especially if they found out what was actually under the microscope.
- age 33, Netherlands
While I was in a sauna in a hotel, the moist hot air provided me with a nice, slick penis my hand could slide on with ease. I had a great orgasm! I ejaculated all over the bench I was sitting on. That I could see some men and women fooling around in the workout room outside the sauna also helped me build a great fantasy. I just love those hotel amenities!
- age 16, New York
I like to masturbate in the snow. The worst time for me to be caught would have been the time I masturbated in a shed in the woods by my house. I was secluded, but very cold. I stripped completely naked (even taking off my watch and sunglasses), lay on my coat, and masturbated. It was quick, since I was enjoying it so much. Afterwards, I wiped my semen on my gloves, which I then left behind.
- age 20, Tennessee