The responses did raise significant questions. First, is masturbation just a substitute for sexual behavior with a partner, or is it different, touching personal needs that partner sex cannot? The responses seemed evenly divided, with no suggestion of an age difference in response pattern. Second, do differing opinions of private masturbation affect gay couples the same as straight couples? Many see masturbation in gay couples as so common that the private masturbation of one partner could not affect the relationship. Yet there is a suggestion that sometimes it does. Third, in straight couples, is it always the female who objects to the private masturbation of the male? The responses suggest that this is often true, but not always.]
I couldn't just say "goodbye" upon being asked not to masturbate ever again. A relationship demands more than that. I would try to discuss the real issue at hand, which is probably not masturbation but rather control, security, and trust. If these things cannot be discussed openly and with understanding, then the relationship must end, because it cannot last.
- age 18, California
This Week's Wackiest Response:
I'd tell her I'd stop for sure. That's why humans have evolved to be able to cross our fingers.
- age 18, Canada
My last girlfriend told me that I needed "to stop masturbating, now that we are having sex together." My answer was, "Well, then we need to have sex more often, like twice per day, every day. Because that is the level of my sexual needs." She said it was impossible for us to do it that much. Then I asked her what other option she suggested, another girl on the side perhaps? She was offended by this statement. I explained that I was equally offended by her request that I deprive myself of harmless pleasure. After I explained things in this way, she agreed to let me continue to masturbate without complaint.
- age 23, Indiana
I would tell my girlfriend that I would stop masturbating by myself if she would do it for me periodically to enhance and enrich our relationship. It would also make life a hell of a lot more exciting!
- age 16, Florida
I once had a girlfriend who objected to my masturbating. We engaged in the whys and why-nots, but that did not convince her. She wanted to be my total satisfaction. I explained that it's impossible. Feeling, holding, stroking, and massaging my penis turns me on. She can't replace masturbation, no matter how good she is.
- age 37, Missouri
My girlfriend has masturbated me and given me oral sex, but I still masturbate on my own time. I usually can't go more than two days without having an orgasm, but my girlfriend pleasures me only once every week or two. If she told me not to masturbate anymore, I'd probably have a hard time. I would tell her that she would either have to pleasure me more or get out of my life. I need my orgasms!
- age 15, Pennsylvania
This question is hard for me to answer, because I am a gay man who lives with my boyfriend. We constantly do sexual things together, so I don't often masturbate alone! However, if the situation should arise, I would assure my partner that my masturbating has nothing to do with my thoughts of him. As long as the sex between us stays great, it should not matter to him what I do when I am alone. In any case, I would not agree to the request.
- age 22, Illinois
If my girlfriend told me not to masturbate, I'd have to explain to her that it's natural and all guys do it. If she persisted, I'd probably dump her. My current girlfriend accepts that I masturbate and is cool about it.
- age 13, Texas
I'd be curious as to why. Disliking masturbation means more to me than just not approving the activity; it suggests that who I'm dating has general problems with understanding and knowing oneself, and not just sexually. I'd figure out what was wrong, maybe try to get him or her to be honest with their masturbation regulations, and then possibly suggest that we do it together. If there was no way to sway them, then I'd leave — not so much because I'd rather masturbate than be with someone, but because anyone who is so pretentious about pleasing yourself is not the kind of person I want to be with.
- age 20, Florida (female)
Take a hike — my hand is better than you. It's low-maintanance. It always satisfies, every day of the month. Oh, and one more thing: I don't have to by the damn thing flowers!
- age 19, Washington
I couldn't dedicate myself to someone who couldn't understand something so simple.
- age 18, New York
Anyone who would request such a thing is inconsiderate and not very accepting of human nature. Why would anyone need to stop masturbating? I do it every day — often several times — and will never stop. So does my boyfriend. We often discuss our solo experiences. If he had some goofy religious reason or felt that masturbating was being unfaithful, I would dump him! Sometimes we promise not to masturbate for a week or so, just so our orgasms will be that much better when we do get together, but that is no problem — the effort is worth it!
- age 16, Norway
I'd tell her I would start to do as she asked just as soon as she masturbated to orgasm daily for a week. At the end of that week, I'm certain she would approve of my hobby.
- age 30, Maryland
If I did love her, my girlfriend would come before my personal issues. I would give up something like masturbation to gain someone who could be with me the rest of my life.
- age 15, Oregon
If my girlfriend told me I couldn't masturbate, I think I would laugh at her and tell her it would be impossible for me not to. Then I'd say I don't think she and I should see each other if she can't handle that simple fact. Masturbation is a big part of my life, and I would not want to share my time with someone who frowns upon it. Just think about how miserable I could be 20 years down the road if I were stuck with this woman — scary thought!
- age 22, New Jersey
First, I would ask why it should bother him or her (although if I were dating a guy, I doubt that he would care). Then I would try to convince her there's nothing wrong with it, that it doesn't mean that I don't love her, and so on. If she doesn't change her opinion, I'll continue to do it behind her back and wait to see if she comes around. If she can't get over it and it *really* bothers her, I may break off the relationship. You shouldn't ask someone to sacrifice something they love for no good reason.
- age 16, North Carolina
Been there, done that: An ex-girlfriend learned that I masturbate, and we had a long discussion that ended with her watching me. She became so excited that she began to masturbate, too. Once, it even led to a group session with her and one of my friends (but never went further). Still, the relationship ended soon because I grew tired of her. So I guess I'm saying that no one can ever tell me to quit masturbating.
- age 25, Pennsylvania
I'd explain to her that masturbation has always been part of my life. It makes me more aware of my sexuality and helps me prolong intercourse when we're together. I'd also say that my masturbating doesn't mean that I find our relationship lacking or that she doesn't meet my expectations. I'd try to get her to discuss whether she masturbates, and I'd tell her I think it would be good if she did — for much the same reason as I do. Also, I'd suggest that we try masturbating together as part of our foreplay. As it happens, I already masturbate her as a prelude to making love, but that is not the same thing as me watching her masturbate herself, or the other way around.
- age 47, United Kingdom
Masturbation is a God-given right, right? I still firmly believe that almost anything in a relationship can be talked out. I'd explain that although we are intimate, I still need to enjoy my own body by myself. If my girlfriend couldn't respect that, then perhaps we shouldn't be together.
- age 20, Utah
I can't imagine ever being in a relationship with someone who was that hung up about masturbation. We wouldn't be sexually compatible, so there'd never be any way we would have reached a "significant other" relationship to begin with.
- age 36, Canada
For starters, I'd ask him why he didn't want me to do it anymore. Then I would explain that my masturbating didn't mean I wasn't satisfied with our sex life; rather, it's an extension of it. If he seemed to accept my explanation, I might encourage him to masturbate with me.
- age 43, California (female)
I would first ask my partner why. I would consider this a form of control. If he wanted me to save up only for him to provide me with release and satisfaction, I would simply make the same request and expectation of him. I think it would make our bond stronger. We've already done things like trying to see how long we can go without masturbating, but it lasted only a few days. I started having frequent erections, became quite edgy, and had an annoying, tingly pain near my testicles until I masturbated again. I don't think I can refrain from masturbation for a long time.
- age 19, Ohio
I would first ask if they masturbate privately. If they say yes, then I'd ask what the problem is with me masturbating. If they say no, then I'd surmise that they're lying and try to talk with them to get the truth. We'd talk about it for a while and generate a resolution.
- age 15, United Kingdom
I can understand that some people misunderstand masturbation as a way to fantasize about someone besides your significant other. Everybody needs alone time, so I would try to help her understand that my masturbation is my own business and no one else's.
- age 24, Canada
Masturbation has always been such a part of my life that I can't imagine not discussing it with someone within the first few weeks of a relationship. However, if something like this ever did happen, I would ask why they feel I should stop, and I'd try to learn their concerns. Then I would say that I can understand that you feel such-and-such, but masturbation has always been a part of my life, usually a positive one, and I really don't want to stop. I experience different things when I masturbate than I do when I'm with another person. I hope that they would respond as openly and tolerantly to what I say as I do to their opinions. I'd try to have an open and honest discussion, but if they didn't change their opinions after a few weeks of occasional discussion on the subject, I'd begin to have a problem. I can't see me stopping masturbation, even if it's only once every two or three weeks. It's hard to stop a lifelong hobby.
- age 38, New York
I would definitely try to persuade her to accept private masturbation. I would encourage her to provide me with photos of her in sexy lingerie so I would be thinking only of her when we were not together. Also, I would be open to her masturbating privately. If she still would not accept me masturbating alone, I would end the relationship.
- age 32, Florida
I'd tell them it's how I get better at pleasuring females. In baseball, you don't hit a home run without practice. And you can't get in bed with a female without practicing a bit first. Who wants to have sex with a guy who doesn't know how to work his parts? Do you get behind the wheel with a person who can't drive?
- age 14, Michigan
I would talk with her and explain how natural it is and that it in no way has anything to do with me wanting other women. I would then explain that I need at least one orgasm a day to relax. It would be nice if she would like to give me my daily climax, but if not, and she still wanted me not to masturbate, I'd do it secretly.
- age 28, Ohio
I'd burst out laughing.
- age 14, Washington
That would be a truly difficult situation. I don't believe I'll ever stop masturbating — not even when I'm married (though I'm sure my frequency will diminish a bit). I would sit down and try to explain that it's something I really enjoy. I'm an honest and open person, so I wouldn't lie about it, but I would want to know why she feels this way and see if we couldn't work out some sort of understanding. If not, I'd have to leave the relationship. Thankfully, my girlfriend has no problem with my masturbation.
- age 23, Mississippi
My girlfriend wouldn't ask this because she knows that masturbation is totally normal. However, *if* she were to do so, I would just say, "I will if you will." Or, if it were to cause any conflict, I would agree to stop and then just keep my usual schedule. To preserve the peace, a white lie now and then is okay. It's not quite the same, but in the confessional (I'm Catholic), my priest asks me to not masturbate, and I say "okay" and just keep my regular schedule. A week later, when I confess my masturbation, I sort of fib about how many times, and he gives me absolution, but he asks me again to please try to stop. This has gone on since I was 11 years old.
- age 17, California
Although you asked for more than a reply of goodbye, that *would* be my reaction. It is absolutely *wrong* for a partner to make such an unreasonable request. I have left lovers over far more trivial matters.
- age 35, Georgia
That happened to me with my last girlfriend. I said to her, "All right, but you're going to have to do a lot of work to keep up!" And she did.
- age 16, Massachusetts
My first reaction would be, "Thanks for being open with me and not just running out the door in disgust!" Second, I would apologize for making the person uncomfortable, but I would state that I couldn't apologize for answering a normal human need. If my partner then states feelings of "sexual neglect" because of my masturbation, I would instantly retort, "Would you prefer I treat you like my right hand?" Hopefully, my partner would understand that I deeply respect our sexual relationship enough not to use sex as the cure for "blue-balls." I'd say, "Our sex life is more than just orgasms."
- age 19, New York
I would have to explain that masturbation is part of my life, and that my autoerotic habits have no bearing on what I am getting or not getting in bed with her!
- age 22, Massachusetts
I would say, "Sure." Yeah, I'm a teenager, and masturbating is great, but it's not worth giving up a girl for.
- age 15, California
I'm married (29 years, happy, lots of sex) and I haven't figured out what I would say to my wife. That's why I have never told her that I masturbate frequently. I'm sure that she would think that masturbating is like being unfaithful somehow, even though it hasn't harmed our relationship.
- age 49, New Jersey
I love to masturbate and I will continue to do so as long as I live, no matter what my boyfriend says. Anyway, he doesn't know that I do it.
- age 28, Montana (female)
Early in our relationship, my wife caught me masturbating and asked why I needed to do it. She was upset, thinking that she wasn't satisfying my needs. But when I explained that it has nothing to do with her — that I love and still need her, but that it was more of a "me-time" kind of thing — she understood. Now we incorporate masturbation into our foreplay, and I still enjoy our own "me-time"!
- age 34, Virginia
Masturbation is an important part of my life; it helps me deal with stress and helps me relax. I've tried to give it up and failed. My girlfriend knows that I masturbate, and she's fine with it. If she told me to stop, I think I would probably continue to do it in secret. Masturbation is also important to my social life. If I don't masturbate before a party or other social event, I find myself often uncomfortably erect. My girlfriend is important to me, but she has no control over what I do with myself when I'm alone.
- age 15, Kansas
I think masturbation is tremendously fun and satisfying. This has actually been somewhat of an issue between my boyfriend and me. He thinks that sex should be expressed *only* with another person and finds masturbation to be an empty, emotionally sterile substitute for "the real thing." I see nothing wrong with just being horny and wanting to "get off." A related problem has been that if I am just horny and want to "get off" by having sex with him, he feels that it's impersonal and he could be just anybody — almost as if I'm cheating on him by saying, "Let's have sex," instead of, "Let's make love." So, our relationship has cooled, and I honestly don't know how much longer we'll be together. This can be a serious issue between two people.
- age 37, Washington
I would give up masturbating if I loved the person enough. After all, if they love you back, you aren't going to need to masturbate!
- age 16, United Kingdom
"But I have to practice to make sure I can satisfy you."
- age 23, New York
I wouldn't be with a girl who herself doesn't enjoy masturbating.
- age 18, California
Last summer, my girlfriend and I decided to start having intercourse during our summer holidays. This was great, but I mentioned that I was getting tired from masturbating two or three times a day as well as having sex. So, she asked me to stop masturbating completely so I could give her more during intercourse. I stopped masturbating for several weeks, and my girlfriend said that she really noticed the difference (a harder penis), but even though we were having sex almost every day, I started having regular "wet dreams." So I now masturbate just once daily and tell my girlfriend that I don't.
- age 14, Finland
I don't think anything could get me to stop masturbating. I would first try to understand their reasons and perhaps try to get them to change their opinion. However, this seems to be a problem of sexual incompatibility. It would just end up leading to tensions and relationship problems — a good time to rethink the relationship.
- age 21, Georgia
My girlfriend knows that I masturbate. So does she. And we do it in front of each other. But if that situation came about, I'd just tell her to deal with it, and I'd keep on masturbating.
- age 19, Connecticut
I'd try to explain that masturbating is normal and healthy, and that it helps me keep in touch with my own sexuality. I use it to tell him what turns me on. It's also a good way to avoid pregnancy. If that didn't work, I'd tell him that I just *must* masturbate, because just the thought of him turns me on so. Then, I would offer to let him watch.
- age 18, New Jersey (female)
I'd say that you must accept it even if you don't like it. I have the right to play with myself if I want to.
- age 12, Louisiana
I would remind him that 90% of men do it and the other 10% are lying! He'd need a friendly reminder that my hand and my penis have had a closer and longer relationship than he and I have (I've been masturbating since age 12). I'd be very surprised to hear that from a potential boyfriend, anyway. I am yet to meet a guy (gay or straight) who doesn't enjoy a mutual masturbation session!
- age 25, Maine
I would tell him that perhaps if he pleasured me more often, then just maybe I would stop masturbating in private. Even so, the fact that he knows would totally embarrass me.
- age 19, New Mexico (female)
I would be completely honest: The simple fact of the matter is that the energy and urges are there. We need either to relieve the urges mutually so we can enjoy it together, or he needs to allow me to do it on my own. Pestering me about it would only alienate us from each other.
- age 18, Montana
I had this situation but the roles were reversed — when I was 18, I found out my girlfriend liked to masturbate privately, and it drove me crazy. She wanted to sleep alone some nights so she could masturbate by herself instead of with me, and I begged her to let me be there. This became a big issue, and I learned that I needed to let go and give her space. After more trust developed, she let me help her masturbate and even feed her the fantasies that she liked. She was a little ashamed of what she liked, but after she found out I was okay with it, she opened up more. Now I know that having private time is very important and doesn't mean that you don't want to be with your partner.
- age 40, Florida