Ideally, commitment should mean that it's all right (of course) for each partner to masturbate, and also that each partner promises to enjoy sex exclusively with the other and has a right to expect the same. Neither partner should feel coerced or like a slave to the other. So when one wants to masturbate with another person, the other should say, "I'll help you — if not now, then as soon as I can. And, I want you to keep coming to me when you feel this way." The problem comes when the partner doesn't want to be available to masturbate mutually, or when there are problems between the partners that make one or both want to turn to people on the outside for the closeness that comes from masturbating together. Then you must either redefine your commitment and say it's okay to do that, or you are cheating with a small "c." I still think it's less serious than having intercourse with someone else, which is Cheating with a capital "C."
- age 51, Arizona
This Week's Wackiest Response:
Only if you move more spaces than shown on the dice.
- age 19, United Kingdom
What would a devoted spouse or partner really think if you were to tell them it means nothing — it's just a handjob? If you're able to take part in a sexual act with another person, even if it's non-penetrative, then basically you've gone beyond the realm of normal social interaction. Coming home and saying to your partner, "Hi. I met Jane today and we went for a coffee," is acceptable. However, your partner probably wouldn't react well if you said, "I met Jane today. It was really funny — we both felt horny, so I took her panties down and frigged her right there on the sofa." It would hurt your partner if they felt your relationship was special and you were masturbating with other people. Masturbation with another partner isn't just a hand shuffle on your own; it's intimacy. Masturbation on your own can be simply a hand shuffle. People who think they can masturbate with someone else and it's not cheating are simply fooling themselves (and maybe their partners).
- age 36, United Kingdom
For me, it is not about sex. It is about trust and being special in someone's life. To turn a private, personal experience into a social handshake devalues the gift that friends share.
- age 58, Georgia
It depends — if the relationship is girl-boy and one masturbates mutually with another person of the opposite sex, then yes — but if it's the same sex, no.
- age 15, Australia
I think that would be cheating. I know it's impossible to keep fantasies and thoughts under control, so I don't mind if my boyfriend thinks of someone else when he masturbates by himself. But to act on these thoughts would be cheating.
- age 22, Tennessee (female)
It depends on whether they are the same gender and whether they have been friends for a long time. If your girlfriend masturbates with her best friend, then no, but if she does it with one of her guy friends, then yeah — unless you know that they aren't involved with each other beyond just being friends. And the same goes for guys. If he does it with his best friend, it's not cheating, but if he does it with a girl, then it is — unless you know they aren't involved with each other beyond being friends.
- age 15, Massachusetts
No, but my partner better bring him home so I can have some fun, too. It's only cheating if the activity is intercourse.
- age 28, Indiana
That's a tough one. I think I'd be upset if my partner masturbated with someone else. To me, sex is a personal thing we share as a couple. That pretty much includes all sexual acts. I don't even think I'd like a threesome. So yeah — *I* would probably feel cheated.
- age 19, Ireland
It depends on the situation. If a guy (straight) is married but likes to masturbate with his old friends, then no — it's just a hobby, a tradition. But if the same guy is married and masturbates with another woman, I think it's cheating.
- age 28, Colorado (female)
I was wondering about this, too, but I think it depends on the gender of the person you are masturbating with. If you are in a heterosexual relationship and masturbate with another guy, then that is not cheating, but rather more like male bonding. The same applies for a girl.
- age 16, North Carolina
Definitely not — I have a very good friend that lives in another part of the country. When I have visited, I have mutually masturbated with her. She is in a very committed relationship and loves her boyfriend very much. I do not consider this cheating at all. In fact, I think it's a healthy act for any man or woman.
- age 19, Florida
I've asked that question myself. Several years ago, I went to visit an old college friend whose wife was away for the weekend. I'm gay and also in a relationship. After a few drinks, I decided to stay the night, and we ended up masturbating with each other. The next morning we didn't say a word about it. I think we both felt guilty about what happened. Although I have chatted with this person via e-mail, I have not seen him since. Although I might be tempted to do it again, I did feel that I had cheated.
- age 35, Pennsylvania
I enjoy mutual masturbation with a friend. It is a bonding thing that my girlfriend can't share. It is not a love thing, and I love my girlfriend very much.
- age 26, Massachusetts
Cheating can mean different things to different people. It's really up to the people in the relationship to determine what they will tolerate. If you want to (or need to) masturbate with your partner but they will not let you, then you shouldn't be together because there should be a mutual understanding for the relationship to be successful. When the needs of one person in a relationship are not being meet, they tend to fulfill those needs with someone else.
- age 17, Washington
If you're masturbating with a same-sex best friend and the two of you have done this for years just as a pastime, then it's not cheating.
- age 23, North Carolina
It depends on what the partner would think about it — plain and simple. Personally, I have encouraged my partner to find others to play with. However, my partner would consider it 100% cheating if it were mutual masturbation with a member of the opposite sex.
- age 36, Arizona (female)
When someone masturbates, it's usually just to get rid of horniness — but when you make love, it shows that you care about the person you're with. So if you have a committed partner, you can't see them for a while, you're really horny, and a friend wants to help you by just masturbating you, I don't see it as cheating.
- age 16, Missouri
I just don't know.
- age 24, Michigan
If this other person is of the same gender as the "cheater," I guess it's okay. Actually, I would be turned on if I were to find out that my girlfriend masturbates with another girl.
- age 19, Germany
I'd have to say yes, it is cheating. Still, it didn't stop me from doing just that with my best mate a few months back — for which I felt *very* guilty. But hey — the last time my mate came over to stay, my boyfriend ended up starting the same thing among the 3 of us. Who would've thought, eh? I guess that kind of cancels out my guilt.
- age 23, United Kingdom
If the partner knows about it and has agreed to it, then mutually masturbating with a friend would not be cheating, regardless of the friend's gender or the sexual orientation of either. However, if the partner doesn't know about it and expects exclusivity in the relationship, then mutually masturbating with a friend would be cheating — again, regardless of gender or orientation. Masturbating to orgasm is a physical function that can take on any one of a variety of meanings. At its most basic level without extensive fantasy or romantic overtones, it could be a way to relieve sexual tension; however, it could also represent a bond of friendship between two people; and, if done with one's partner, it could represent the love shared by the two. But if it's done with a pick-up acquaintance, it could symbolize anger toward or dissatisfaction with the committed partner. Communication between partners is the essential key to determining whether any kind of sexual behavior with another person would be cheating.
- age 62, New Jersey
Of course it's cheating. Fidelity isn't just a question of penetration; if you're engaging in sexual acts of any kind with another person — even if it "means nothing," if you're "just friends," or if you're "getting something the partner can't give or won't offer" — it's cheating.
- age 46, Rhode Island
It's up to the couple to figure this out based on their beliefs and the exact circumstances. If a guy is in a committed heterosexual relationship and he's engaged in mutual masturbation with another girl on the side, that would sure seem to me like cheating. But say the same guy has a long-standing masturbation buddy; that might be more of a gray area. It would depend on whether the girlfriend feels that kind of male camaraderie is a threat to their relationship or usurping the their intimacy.
- age 30, Connecticut
I love my girlfriend and we are both committed to each other. I also masturbate with my brother, my cousin, and my best bud all the time. Every now and then, I even do it with some guys from my team. It's got nothing to do with my relationship with my girlfriend, and doesn't take anything away from it, or make it any less committed.
- age 15, Pennsylvania
Anything sexual done outside of a committed relationship is cheating, unless there is an understanding reached up front about what is acceptable and unacceptable outside the relationship. A while ago, my roommate and I masturbated each other. I told my boyfriend about it because we don't like to keep any secrets. He immediately wanted to break up with me. Eventually we worked through it, and as our relationship grew, we developed a set of rules for such occasions. We decided that outside play is acceptable only if it involves both of us. Lately, we've had group sessions with friends and our relationship has never been better. I think it works for us because we have a mutual understanding and open communication.
- age 34, Ohio
I'd love to be able to say that it wouldn't be cheating, because I think that it would be really hot to get off with another guy that is not someone I'm in a relationship with. But I think my sense of loyalty would win over and serve to help me not do it. I think that *any* sex act with someone else could be considered cheating on the one you're in a relationship with...unless, of course, you could get your partner to do it mutually with you and a third person. Wouldn't that be cool?
- age 28, Texas
It's not cheating unless you get caught!
- age 22, Pennsylvania
I like to think not. I've been very happily married for several years, but whenever I get the chance, I masturbate with a friend. If another guy at the urinal next to me starts up, I almost always join in. I love to masturbate while another guy is watching or with another guy. This gives me something I just can't get from my wife, so I don't feel it is cheating.
- age 46, Canada
I believe that when one is in a committed relationship, it means just that — masturbating with another person would be cheating. I don't think sexual orientation has anything to do with it. Whether one is in a gay or straight relationship, it is still a relationship. I recognize this is how I would conduct my life, and I certainly am not judging those who choose otherwise. I do not consider solo masturbation as cheating on one's significant other, since we know that monogamous, married people often engage in solo masturbation.
- age 63, Michigan
It depends. I'd consider it cheating if my boyfriend were masturbating with another girl — with the intent of sexual gratification and substituting it for full-on sex. I mean, hey! That's what *I'm* for! However, I don't see the real harm with him masturbating with the guys as a bonding tool. I still don't get this whole thing about guys bonding through the occasional adult movie night — but whatever floats his boat. He takes care of me, he lets me do my own thing, and we have a very strong and respectful relationship. But if I ever catch him with a girl (masturbating or otherwise) — he won't be masturbating very much for a long, long time.
- age 21, Florida (female)
I'd say it totally depends on the ground rules that have been set down for that particular relationship. Mutual masturbation can often fall into a middle ground — for some, it is a sex act, and for others, it is just something that friends do together. If the two people in the relationship agree that for them, mutual masturbation is a sexual act, then for one of them to do it with a third person would be cheating. However, if they agree that mutual masturbation is simply a display of friendship and acceptable with others, then it would not be cheating.
- age 47, Tennessee
I had a clear-cut answer of *no* on this issue until I masturbated with a friend (with my wife's knowledge and "blessing"). Afterward, things never seemed the same between her and me. Going into it, we both knew what would happen, but afterward, the thought that I had shared a level of intimacy with someone else was, to me, the equivalent of cheating. We've since divorced (not because of that incident), and I can attest that unless your partner is *very* open-minded, you're better off to stay away from it.
- age 32, Kentucky
I've actually had this question come up in a relationship. We finally decided two things: (1) If you feel you couldn't be open and honest with your significant other about what you are doing with the other person, then it is probably cheating; (2) We finally decided that masturbating yourself while you are *with* someone is okay, but masturbating each other (touching the other person) is not.
- age 18, Oregon
Wow...what a question. The rules of a relationship need to be determined by the couple, not what society thinks. On a personal level, I'm not entirely sure where I'd draw the line in my relationship. Since my husband-to-be and I are both heterosexual, I would feel very uncomfortable if he had any sexual activity of any kind with another woman. However, if he were with a group of men and it turned into some kind of circle jerk, I don't think I'd be upset. If anything, I'd be curious. I think the line would be crossed if he were actually touching or being touched by the other men. Likewise, I think it would be okay for me to masturbate with other women *if* we don't touch each other, but not at all with a man. However, he has been open to the idea of me going to an erotic massage workshop with other women, although I haven't done it (yet).
- age 30, Canada (female)
If you're in a relationship and you do anything physically sexual with another person, it's cheating. Cybering and phone sex don't count because you're not physically with that person.
- age 15, Ohio
I consider it a form of cheating because doing such a thing requires a level of intimacy that only lovers achieve.
- age 22, Canada
The people in a relationship must define it for each other. In ours, which has lasted 22 years, we are secure and happy with each other. If one or the other of us chooses to masturbate with a friend, it's okay. We rejoice when the other has found pleasure and an enjoyable experience with another man. It is no threat to us. We do *not* call it cheating.
- age 45, Minnesota
Cheating is anything you feel the need to conceal because your partner would disapprove or feel disrespected. If you talk about it beforehand and both parties are cool with it, then it's not cheating. It wouldn't be cheating in my relationship because I've talked it out with my boyfriend; I am okay with him having sexual experiences with other people (even beyond mutual masturbation) and vice versa, but there must be open communication and full honesty before and after. That's my view — and yes, I believe it can work.
- age 20, United Kingdom (female)
I don't think it is cheating, though some may differ. I've masturbated mutually with other men a few times throughout the course of my marriage — with both married and single men. They were enjoyable experiences that I don't regret. They satisfied the same-sex desires that I have. Still, I will always love and be committed to my wife.
- age 43, Maine
Great question — my boyfriend sometimes masturbates with his next-door neighbor (they don't masturbate each other, just in each other's presence). At first, I really didn't mind because I know that it's common. But then, it sort of worried me because I was afraid that my boyfriend was gay or that our sex life might suffer. I felt kind of bad because I told him I really didn't mind him doing it, but I would like him not to do it as often as he does. I don't consider it cheating, but I think you have to draw the line somewhere. If they were masturbating each other on the other hand, I would get super-angry.
- age 15, New York (female)
For me, it is very okay if my significant other wants to masturbate with someone else. I have done it for years with 14 women that I have had long-term affairs with while married to my wife. She also has done it many times herself.
- age 60, California
I do not believe that mutual masturbation constitutes cheating in a relationship. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and I enjoy sex with my partner very much. I also masturbate with the guys at the local gym in the steam room. There is never any physical contact. The group session provides variety; it's just a different atmosphere, usually very stimulating, and since sex is very different from masturbation it's very nice.
- age 38, New Jersey