Many recognized the importance of understanding the context of the partner's masturbation. Acceptable contexts included fantasizing about the partner, exploring their own body or sexuality, and fantasizing about new situations in which to involve the partner. Unacceptable contexts included fantasizing about sex with others, actually being sexual with others, and using pornography for stimulation. A few observed that allowing a partner to masturbate would be better than having that partner cheat on them.
Some responses acknowledged how different solo masturbation is from partner sex, even when partner sex involves masturbation. Many people described how erotic they find the idea of their partner masturbating alone while thinking about them.]
That's a hairball of a question. I don't think I'd have a problem with it if it were for the right reasons. If my partner simply wanted to masturbate, that's fine. But if it were because I was failing to satisfy my partner, it would definitely bother me. It would mean we had a problem that we weren't talking about (or that I didn't even know about).
- age 21, Indiana
I know my lover masturbates when I'm not around. I think it's great. She turns me on, why not herself? I like both. My lover and I masturbate alone and together. I love watching her, and I love performing for her. She gets pretty turned on by it, too. We've been married for 15 years and know each other well. Things like this keep love exciting.
- age 40, Michigan
I would like *my* partner to focus on *my* genitalia instead of their own. Let them pleasure themselves when I am busy.
- age 17, California
If a guy masturbates when we are together, it makes me feel like I am not satisfying him. So I try to please him more, but at the same time guys have told me that no matter how much they have sex, it is just something guys have to do. This all seems a little shaky to me. If you give it to the guy whenever he wants it, why should he need to masturbate?
- age 19, Virginia (female)
I would divorce.
- age 16, New Zealand
My male life partner (for 18 years) and I both masturbate independently besides sharing good times together. Neither of us has any problem with it. We know what a closed door to the other's den can mean, so we always knock first. "Not now, please," is an answer we both understand with a smile. As I see it, masturbation and shared sex each has its charm. Masturbation is great because *nobody* knows a penis like its owner. Shared sex is wonderful because there's less control over how your penis is being stimulated at the point of orgasm (which often means more intensity because there's no automatic "backing off," as with solo efforts).
- age 52, Minnesota
I wouldn't care. I figure I can't be around her all the time, so she needs to get some satisfaction when I'm not there. Also, considering my own habits, it would be a tad hypocritical for me to be mad.
- age 16, California
I know that he masturbates when I'm not around, but why should this bother me? I masturbate when I'm not around him, and our sex life doesn't suffer because of it. Solitary sexual experiences are important, and I certainly don't believe that being in a relationship should prevent them. However, I'd be upset to learn he was masturbating with someone else, or that it was somehow interfering with our sex life.
- age 20, New York
We both enjoy masturbating alone and together. We recognize that solo masturbation provides a different feeling then the sexual intercourse we both enjoy. We each fantasize about different positions and situations we don't normally do. Later, during our lovemaking, we share those ideas with each other.
- age 41, Nevada
I think it's great if he masturbates when I'm not around. It's important to have open communication about everything, including sexual topics like masturbation. And I would hope he wouldn't give up an activity he enjoys just because he has me, too. It makes me angry that some women take it as an insult that their guy still masturbates even though he has her — how egocentric! The ideal situation is for me to enjoy watching him masturbate. I feel almost honored that he'll do that in front of me; it's a very personal experience.
- age 19, California (female)
I would fall down on my knees and praise a God that, until now, I haven't believed existed. My partner does not enjoy solo masturbation. She supports me masturbating by myself, but I must admit I would be a little more comfortable and much more aroused if masturbation were as important to her as to me. I just never can get myself to believe fully that she "gets it."
- age 22, Canada
I am having a definite problem with this issue in our marriage. About 6 months ago I caught my husband masturbating while watching a porno movie. It bothers me that he fantasizes about other women instead of me! Still, I can admit here that I have fantasized about other men when I masturbate. I guess I'm afraid that he will act on his fantasies, whereas I know I would never cheat on him. I feel cheated because I don't always get all the love and affection I need, and I think he should come to me for sexual release instead of his own hands. And he has admitted that he often prefers to masturbate rather than have sex with a partner.
- age 29, Illinois (female)
I recently found out that my girlfriend masturbates without me. When I first heard this, I was a little shocked. Although I kind of knew anyway, it still didn't settle well. But after much thought I realized it would be hypocritical to moan about it, since I masturbate quite regularly. My girlfriend and I have concluded that if we feel the need and we are together, we help each other. If we're apart, we do it alone. It's perfectly natural for both sexes, so why fret over it?
- age 17, United Kingdom
I'd feel she was holding something back from me. I wouldn't quiz her on it, though, because masturbation in this case should be a private matter. Still, I would much prefer that she masturbate with me or in my presence, because mutual masturbation is great!
- age 45, Washington
I don't have to discover it; I already know it. I need sex only once a week, but he wants it daily — once or twice. All other times I'm totally disinterested. Clearly, the best solution is that he masturbates — usually in the morning and again in the afternoon. He tries to do it discreetly. If I happen to walk by or through the bedroom, he doesn't stop. I simply blow him a kiss to indicate my understanding. I consider the situation ideal.
- age 51, Spain (female)
My girlfriend and I both masturbate when we're apart during the week. I wanted her to show me, so she did. She wanted me to show her, so I did. It's never been a sticking point for either of us — I don't know why it would be.
- age 17, Connecticut
My wife does masturbate without me, which makes me feel a little threatened — but then again, I masturbate without her, so why shouldn't she? I think the ideal is for as much sexual expression as possible without physically bringing third parties into the equation. I find it easier to fantasize without my wife present, and she probably feels the same way.
- age 41, Rhode Island
I would not mind at all. It's perfectly normal and acceptable. As far as with me or without me around, I actually prefer the without-me option.
- age 30, New York (female)
I think we guys have a real need to masturbate (with or without a partner). The urge is so great! Women have no idea. I masturbate once or twice a day. I think every day I do, the next day I'm in a much better mood. It's just the urge to use our God-given gift.
- age 13, Oklahoma
I know my partner masturbates when I'm not around. I think it's quite erotic that she thinks of me and masturbates when I'm not there. The perfect setting is when we can be with one another and just masturbate ourselves while watching the other. I have learned much about female anatomy this way — and what she likes and dislikes. It is also quite good foreplay to sit and masturbate in front of each other. Making love becomes so much more enjoyable and erotic. The feeling of being so close is fantastic! But for me to think she is in the shower thinking of me and masturbating is like a fantasy come true — extremely erotic!
- age 38, Indiana
I think it's fine. If I didn't ask, I wouldn't expect my partner to tell me. On the other hand, if I did ask, I wouldn't want her to lie to me.
- age 16, New York
My fiancé masturbates quite frequently when I am not there. We have a wonderfully open relationship and know every intimate detail of our personal lives. I am still a virgin and am not going to give it up until our wedding night! However, throughout my college dating life I did masturbate several dates after a heavy make-out session. I never had any complaints afterwards — as long as they had an orgasm, they seemed content. My fiancé is the first one I have ever let masturbate me to orgasm. At first I didn't remove my underwear, but the last few times I let him be the first man to touch my vagina. We have invented some very satisfying ways to mutually masturbate each other.
- age 23, Ohio (female)
I would love it if my girlfriend would masturbate. She is very shy and thinks it is gross. Ideally, we could masturbate in front of each other and show the other what we like. However, girls seem very shy about that.
- age 19, Arizona
I would have no difficulty if I learned that my wife masturbated regularly without me. However, I would prefer that she masturbate with me, which is something we do quite regularly, anyway.
- age 41, South Africa
I wouldn't be upset. I consider masturbation a way to spend special time alone. I don't want to spend every waking minute with my girlfriend, so why should this be any different. As long as she isn't out sexin' with someone else, I've got no problem.
- age 20, Arizona (female)
It would depend on the reason. If she were masturbating for her own pleasure and to learn more about how her body works, I would be pleased. *If* on the other hand, she were masturbating because of something missing in our sexual relationship, I would be concerned and perhaps hurt. Although the end result is the same, masturbating together or alone has different purposes. During mutual masturbation you visually perform and please each other. Solo is for your own pleasure. Both are good.
- age 27, New Mexico
I masturbate quite often even though I have a partner. By no means is she inadequate in fulfilling my desires, but I still need to masturbate. She knows this, and it doesn't bother her (or at least she says it doesn't).
- age 19, Indiana
On several occasions I have found that my husband has masturbated. If we are fighting and this happens, it does not bother me. But if we are getting along at the time, it makes me feel very inadequate. And even if I didn't want to have sex, it may tick me off that he masturbated.
- age 39, New Jersey (female)
I'd be pretty miffed.
- age 15, United Kingdom
My girlfriend told me that she masturbates. She knows that I do, so it does not matter. When I learned this, we started masturbating together. Our relationship is now better then ever, even when we chose not to have sex yet.
- age 17, Indiana
Solo sex as well as partner sex is a completely legitimate expression of a person's sexuality. One shouldn't have to give up individuality when entering a partnership. Each partner deserves private time for reading, hobbies, quiet time — and masturbation if desired. It should be agreed ahead of time that as long as solo sex does not take away from mutual sex, solo masturbation could be enjoyed freely.
- age 62, Ohio
It would be a big turn-on, especially that my girlfriend would take me into her confidence and tell me. I would love to masturbate with her, have the confidence to tell her about my masturbation experiences, and invite her to join in if she wanted to.
- age 15, South Africa
Oh, I love it! You can't always be there during the time of need. The only problem with him masturbating in front of me, though, is that I can't just watch without going crazy! I'm on him in a second. However, I do have fantasies of just leaning back, with him leaning up against me and him stroking his penis while I stroke his chest, kiss his neck, and whisper in his ear. *Sigh!*
- age 32, California (female)
For three years now, I have been involved with someone. I remember two years ago at a sleep-away camp, I masturbated with a few guys there. When I told my friend, he was so angry he wouldn't talk to me for a week. For me it was no big deal, but for him it was wrong. Now we only masturbate with others if we are both there. Masturbating alone is great whenever we can, but when we do it together, it's heaven!
- age 15, Connecticut
I would be pretty insecure. I would wonder if I'm not pleasing her when we make love. However, I understand that masturbation is a part of life. It is different from intercourse, and I have always masturbated, even when in a relationship. So I could believe her if she told me I please her in bed and that her masturbating is simply time she takes to pamper herself.
- age 24, California
My 19-year-old boyfriend goes to college far away from me. We get to see each other only every 4 months, so I expect him to masturbate. I'd prefer to at least be able to talk to him while he's doing it so we can share the experience, but if I can't listen in, I find solace knowing he's thinking about me as he pleases himself. It's healthy to maintain a good sexual relationship with yourself besides the one with your significant other. By the way, every guy knows there are certain things a girl can do for a guy that he just can't do for himself (and vice versa)!
- age 16, Wisconsin (female)
I would be glad to hear that my girlfriend masturbates. We masturbate together sometimes, and I've told her I do it without her. She didn't mind, and I told her she should learn to please herself as well. She did, and mutual masturbation has never been better.
- age 18, Colorado
My partner does masturbate when I'm not here, and I'm okay with that. It's good for each of us to have our own time to explore our sexuality and have some "quality time alone." Ideally, there would be a combination. Of course we have our times alone, but also it's a part of the sexual experience that we can share.
- age 22, Nebraska
I wouldn't care a bit if I found that my boyfriend masturbates when I am not around. Actually, I know he does, and I don't care — I also masturbate when he is not around. Humans are very sexual beings; we can't turn off horniness just because our significant other isn't with us. I'm glad that he can pleasure himself and feel the amazing sensations of an orgasm whenever he wants. After all, I want him to be happy! If he were to masturbate with me, as we sometimes do together, any setting would be just fine — but preferably on a bed, and when parents aren't home!
- age 15, Arizona (female)
In a perfect (for men) world, we'd all have satisfying intercourse every night before falling asleep. But with job stress and fatigue I know it often helps my wife to sleep better if she can have time to masturbate in a hot bath before bed. She knows I know, and if I do look in briefly, I often see her hand continuing to move between her legs in the hot water. I know she wants some privacy, though, so I leave her alone. She says it helps not having to worry about what I'm thinking or wanting. When she gets in bed I know she has just climaxed and wants to sleep, so we'll cuddle with my leg between hers or my hand on her breast. This is satisfying, too, and better than trying to have perfect intercourse every time. She also knows I masturbate to please myself, though the details don't interest her much.
- age 51, Oregon
I would have no problem with it. I actually wish she would do so more often; I find the idea very erotic. I masturbate 3 or 4 times a week alone, and she knows this. We have intercourse about twice a week. I think it would be really erotic to masturbate together, but she refuses to do it. For the most part I believe masturbation is a private time, best left to oneself.
- age 26, North Carolina
I know my girlfriend masturbates on her own. I don't mind — on the contrary, it pleases me to know she releases tension when I am not around. I do the same when I am alone. She doesn't mind, either. When we are together, we talk about our previous solo masturbation sessions, which usually turns both of us on enough to start masturbating in front of the other: our ideal situation.
- age 46, Argentina
I love to think about my partner masturbating. It's a real turn-on for me, both when I am involved and when I am not. I think it's healthy and very normal to masturbate and experiment with what turns you on and what doesn't. It may give you and the person you're with a better insight on what you really enjoy and what really turns you on. Lovemaking and sex does not have to be a chore; it can be stimulating and fun if you open up and talk about the things that make you crazy in the bedroom. And, masturbation is the best way to find that out.
- age 28, Michigan (female)
I wouldn't feel angry or hurt if my girlfriend masturbated alone. I'm sure she does. However, we *do* share this together quite often. She isn't into sex the first thing in the morning, but she enjoys being with me when I masturbate when I wake up. I do this often. She will hold me and sometimes take over for me. And I love holding her when she masturbates. She'll lean against my chest, and I'll caress her hair, skin, and kiss her neck and ears as she brings herself to one and then many more orgasms. Sometimes she masturbates in the shower, or while taking a bath. She often prefers to be alone then, and I respect that. I find nothing wrong with it.
- age 44, Illinois