I would do it in a fancy restaurant. Think about it — it would be hilarious to creep up on some stuck-up richies, hang Mr. Willy over the shoulder of the person at the head of the table, and squirt a little extra tartar sauce all over their baked scrod or whatever they happened to be eating. Am I a rascal, or what?
- age 21, Pennsylvania
This Week's Wackiest Response:
In the living room of a little old lady. All of her stacks of moldy yellow newspapers would really get me going! Oh, and don't even get me started on that creaky noise those old-lady chairs make.
- age 17, New Jersey
I would masturbate on the podium during the State of the Union address while George W. Bush does it figuratively through the spoken word.
- age 34, Massachusetts
I would probably walk around in town, slowly masturbating, and pick a very public place for my final orgasm. It would be great to walk around and masturbate, with people bumping into you on the sidewalk. Oh, and I'd have to be 100% naked for it to be any fun at all!
- age 14, Michigan
In front of the Queen of England.
- age 21, United Kingdom
I would do it at school. There is something that would be so neat about it — everyone at my school thinks I don't know anything about masturbation, even though I seem to know 10 times more than most of them! They wouldn't be able to see me, but who cares; it would be good enough for me!
- age 13, Illinois
I would go into the bedroom of a person I'm attracted to while this person is sleeping. It would be so exciting to look upon the object of my sexual fantasies and masturbate right there with impunity.
- age 24, California
I'd do it right in front of my parents.
- age 16, Washington
I'd do it on the Start/Finish line at the Daytona 500 when they say "Gentlemen, start your engines."
- age 32, North Carolina
There's a hot guy in my English class. I would follow him home and then wait until he takes a shower. I would slip into the shower with him and masturbate there. I'm not gay, really, but something about this guy (maybe his sheepish eyes) turns me on bad. And since I'm invisible I wouldn't leave it at masturbating. I would pat him on the shoulder and see him fret for a while. Then maybe I would touch his penis to see how he reacts. Boy, that would be fun!
- age 17, Vermont
I would do it either in an office supply store, or in the paperweight museum in Santa Cruz, California — simply because I am odd.
- age 18, California (female)
It would be great to do it in church with all the people there and the minister ranting about sin. My parents belong to an evangelical church and make my brother and me go. We don't believe in anything they say.
- age 14, Washington
This is easy — I've had a fantasy for almost two years. I know that my best friend masturbates because I've found his fresh tissues in his trash. But I've never been able to catch him at it or get him onto the subject. He is very secretive about it. The idea of him doing it just drives me crazy. I wonder how he does it, what he looks like when he does it, and how much he does it. My fantasy is to be invisible and hide in his room to watch him. I'd masturbate as I watched.
- age 14, West Virginia
I would masturbate in the middle of my school's arena during a basketball game!
- age 18, Nevada
I would masturbate in my English class! I always feel horny in the morning. Plus, I would *really* like to see their faces when semen shoots out of thin air.
- age 14, Florida
I would do it standing in the median of a superhighway.
- age 55, Canada
Good question! I would definitely masturbate in a dressing room at a department store. I've always been turned on by the thought that while I'm nude in a small stall and getting ready to put on my clothes, some guy just a few inches away from me is also doing the same thing. I'm not gay, but I would love to be in the same stall as a guy and masturbating while he (unknowingly) is giving me a strip show. That would be so awesome!
- age 15, West Virginia
On top of the Eiffel Tower.
- age 31, New Hampshire
I'd do it on an air-hockey table that's turned on!
- age 13, New Mexico
I would masturbate on the field at the Super Bowl in front of millions of people. And I'd tell my buddies beforehand, so they would know exactly where on the field I would be.
- age 34, California
I would masturbate on the stairs above someone I don't like. I would build up one hell of an orgasm and then wait for them to walk under me. Then, I would ejaculate all over them. It would also be fun to do that in the cafeteria all over that person's food.
- age 15, Mississippi
How about doing it in the JackinWorld editors' offices? I've always wanted to leave my mark on JackinWorld.
- age 61, Michigan
I would be in my crush's bedroom, maybe while he masturbates (thinking of me, of course!). Just to be near him always makes me kind of tingly. When I think about when we kissed, I get chills down my spine.
- age 15, California (female)
I would love to masturbate unseen in my best friend's bedroom as he and his wife have sex. I have seen his penis only once — soft — and would love to see it hard and in action. When I saw it, we were showering after swimming at a park. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I would like to see how it performs in action.
- age 25, Pennsylvania
I'd do it right in Santa's lap at the mall.
- age 15, New York
In the locker of the New England Patriots after the Super Bowl!
- age 36, Massachusetts
The library.
- age 18, California (female)
No doubt: The Oval Office!
- age 16, Virginia
On the set of the national evening news.
- age 47, Canada
In my brother's room while he masturbates.
- age 13, Australia (female)
On a bus next to some hot guy.
- age 35, Massachusetts
I'd do it in my school's headmistress' office. She's a frigid, mean old woman, who urgently needs to get some. Besides, I'd love to see her face when she finds my semen all over her papers.
- age 17, Argentina
I would masturbate on the International Space Station. You can masturbate anywhere you want to, but it's not that easy to get into outer space and do it there.
- age 27, Denmark
In the supermarket, in the frozen food section!
- age 13, California
I am in college, and although my roommate and I have talked quite openly about masturbation and the fact that we do it, I don't feel comfortable enough to even suggest the idea that we masturbate together and exchange techniques. Therefore, if I could be invisible, it would be in his room at his home as he masturbates. That way I could see how he does it and enjoy the feelings along with him — and I wouldn't have to worry about his reaction to my wanting to masturbate with him.
- age 19, Illinois
I would like to be invisible to radar and float in orbit around the earth without NASA or anyone else knowing. While floating, I would masturbate in front of the entire population of Earth and any other inhabited planets without them knowing it. When I ejaculate, my semen would suddenly show up as a UFO on their radar screens.
- age 16, Australia
Off the edge of the Grand Canyon, just so I could watch it fall all the way to the bottom.
- age 21, Pennsylvania
I would want to be in front of a group of men. These men would have 8" erections with semen just waiting to be shot out of every penis. Just as I finish, all 20 of them would ejaculate on top of me.
- age 15, Wisconsin (female)
At a National Organization of Women convention.
- age 56, California
On a roller coaster, because that is my second-favorite pastime. I would climax while going down the first hill.
- age 16, Ohio
In the middle of the Melbourne Cricket Ground on grand final day with about 100,000 watching.
- age 21, Australia
On top of the Great Wall of China!
- age 18, Georgia
In the Canadian Houses of Parliament while the House of Commons is in session. It would be such a rush to masturbate in front of all those legislators.
- age 28, Canada
I would stay at home, where it would be most useful — because I'm always getting caught!
- age 14, New Hampshire
I would most definitely fly to Afghanistan and ejaculate straight up on Mr. Osama's face and smack him around with it. He wouldn't even know it! And, yeah, I know I could be considered a terrorist for doing something like that — I guess because I'm flying large numbers of people (sperm) into things to kill them. But I just think it would be funny.
- age 17, California
Even with all the choices the question suggests, my favorite location remains my warm, comfortable bedroom.
- age 30, United Kingdom