But isn't that what being gay or bi means – getting turned on by other guys and their penises? When I masturbate, I always think about other guys, and I like it very much. I think I am gay, but ... so what if I am? What happens if I decide I like just being with guys and I don't want to be with girls? Does that mean I'm 'gay', or is there something else involved with that? And If I am gay, what's so wrong about that?
- age 15, New Jersey
Those are some big questions, and important ones, too. I am getting a lot of questions from guys asking if they're gay because they like to think of other guys masturbating. I will try to answer you.
First, we have to separate homosexuality into "acts" and "preferences." Technically, masturbating another guy is a homosexual act by definition, because there's sexual contact and you're both the same sex. (If you're just masturbating with another guy, maybe while you're both looking at the Swimsuit Issue, it's less so.) There's really no way around that, although it almost certainly will have no significant effects on your later sex life. And if you're thinking about a guy while masturbating, that's just a fantasy and doesn't really make you gay, any more than fantasizing about cheating on a girlfriend makes you an adulterer.
At your age, it may be too early for you to attach the "straight" or "gay" label to yourself, because the words relate more to sexual preferences. If, after a few years, you've had sex with both men and women and you decide you prefer sex with men, then you're gay. If you like both more or less equally, you're bisexual. And if you've done it with only one sex but have no real interest in the other one – or if you simply have no sexual interest in one of the sexes – you can pretty much determine your sexual preference based on that.
As for your last question, what's so wrong about being gay ... well, you've got me there. For whatever reasons – historical, psychological, or whatever – there's a strongly negative association with the word "gay" for many people. But there's no real reason for that. Our sexual activities are our own choices, and what we do with our bodies and with consenting others should, ideally, be nobody's business. You're lucky – your generation is breaking down these age-old feelings significantly, and if you do grow up to be gay, you'll have an easier life than countless others who came before you.
Do you find yourself masturbating more often during some seasons than others? Why?
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