Since then I've had three relationships, including my current one with the woman I intend to spend my life with. The problem is I've *never* been able to have an orgasm and ejaculate during sex with a partner. The closest was once being able to masturbate myself to orgasm while in bed with my then-girlfriend – however this was a one-time thing, and was in itself very difficult. I am not impotent – I can sustain an erection for hours, and have sometimes gotten close to an orgasm during sex – but am never able to quite get there. I am worried that all those years of masturbating have built up a resistance in my body, so that masturbation is the *only* way I will ever be able to orgasm.
Our sex life is, otherwise, just fine. She tells me she is very satisfied, and I enjoy every other part of the sex. However, it has started to affect our relationship. I have reassured her this is something I have been dealing with for a long time. I hope to someday have a child with her, and do not relish the prospect of masturbating into a cup at some fertility clinic.
I don't think it's psychological – we've already dealt with personal hang-ups, fetishes, etc. For a long time I thought the problem involved condom use, but we even took a chance on having unprotected sex, with no better results. I'm pretty much out of ideas.
I've heard stories similar to yours but not to the degree you describe it. First, I have to say I really doubt your problem is due to the fact that you've masturbated for 11 years. Why? First, because so many males masturbate regularly – the vast, vast majority – yet have no problem orgasming with another person. Second, and perhaps more important, because of the fact that you cannot masturbate yourself to orgasm with someone else in the room. This all but proves to me that the problem is psychological – how else can you explain that someone's mere presence makes you unable to orgasm? If it were only a matter of physical sensation, closing your eyes and masturbating with your girlfriend next to you would be no different from masturbating alone.
I agree with you that this problem should be dealt with, as it's putting severe limits (and apparently mounting pressures) on your relationship. Complicating the problem is the fact that the more trouble you have the more uptight you get about it, and being uptight is definitely not the way to smash through sexual blocks.
I recommend attacking this problem in gradual stages. When you're housebreaking a puppy, one technique is to train it to do its thing on newspaper inside first and then gradually move the paper outside until it wants to go out to go to the bathroom. I'd do a similar thing for your situation – as long as your girlfriend is willing to help. But perhaps for this "treatment" it's best that you not masturbate alone for a while if you can help it, as that will probably make things easier. Start by masturbating with your girlfriend in the room but far away, perhaps not paying attention. Do not ejaculate until you can ejaculate with her in the room. Then, the next time, bring her a little closer. Then allow her to watch. Then allow her to touch you while you masturbate, and then to help you masturbate, and then finally to masturbate you to orgasm. Or you can skip that phase and try intercourse. The idea is to go in tiny increments, getting comfortable with each step before moving onto the next. Be creative about it, and make it a little game. It may take a while, but I think it will work.
You WILL get over this. You just need to be very patient and methodical about it, as it's probably the only way the problem will be solved. And please let us know how things worked out.
Do you find yourself masturbating more often during some seasons than others? Why?
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