A couple of people mentioned "walking the dog." That expression was used a couple of weeks ago on the TV series Dawson's Creek. According to a reader, one character asked Dawson, "How often do you walk the dog? When do you do it? Where do you do it?" Dawson responded by saying, "Usually in the morning, to Katie Couric!"]
Once in a restaurant in East Texas, a friend and I overheard two truckers talking. One asked the other how he'd spent his day, and he replied he had spent most of the day "waxing his tractor." I am sure he was referring to something else — but as a euphemism for masturbation, it is destined for greatness.
- age 28, Texas
"Playing the organ" is my favorite because I love music, and my "organ" is my favorite instrument.
- age 17, North Carolina
"Tapping the ol' tapioca tube." Ever since I heard my friend use it, it's the only thing I call it.
- age 15, Texas
I don't have a favorite. When I discuss the procedure aloud (not often), I use its proper name. I have seen some of the interminable lists of slang terms on the Internet, and I think many of the terms are fakes. To have a term qualify for a list like that, someone should have to use it as part of the language, not just make it up for a list.
- age 31, Minnesota
The slang we in Thailand use is "chuck wow" — the word describes the way people fly kites. "Chuck" = the act of the hand moving up and down constantly; "wow" = kites. Get it?
- age 21, Thailand
"Self pleasuring," because that is what it truly is. Slang terms seem to cheapen the act and make it appear dirty or unacceptable.
- age 35, Ontario
There are a few hilarious terms I enjoy: having a tussle with your muscle, calling down for more mayonnaise, taking your sausage hostage, and shaking hands with the one-eyed bandit.
- age 16, Canada
Strumming — because that's exactly what it's like — making beautiful music by playing myself.
- age 22, Michigan (female)
I call it "personal time," because it is a great time for me to spend with just myself. I am a Christian and also a very sexual person. I find a great blend between my relationship with God and my relationship with myself during my times of masturbation. I don't get into pornography or lustful fantasy. I just enjoy what God has given me, and enjoy how it makes me feel.
- age 17, Tennessee
My favorite term is "wanking." I had friends from England who always it, and they were the first guys I knew who seemed comfortable talking about masturbation. The term seems to convey both humor and high stimulation. I get out of control as I get going, and you couldn't stop me with a searchlight and a siren.
- age 32, Washington
I don't have a favorite, because I don't particularly like slang terms for most things, including masturbation. I tend to think of the slang terms more as unnecessary euphemisms.
- age 20, New York
I would have to say "spank the monkey." Who doesn't like a monkey?
- age 15, Minnesota
"Spankin' the monkey," because I can just see a guy with a monkey on his lap as he spanks it. It's also good for when somebody masturbates hard and fast, where it really is like spanking someone.
- age 13, Minnesota
"Spanking the monkey," because parents don't know what it means and they think you're talking about a real monkey.
- age 15, Pennsylvania
"Punishing the primate." It's an offshoot of "spanking the monkey" but adds a bit more extremism to it.
- age 22, Louisiana
"The five-knuckle shuffle." I like it because it's not too obvious, but you know what it is.
- age 14, Florida
"The imaginary Ms. Lewinsky."
- age 47, Washington, D.C.
"Patting the Robertson," just because if Pat Robertson (conservative politician founder of the Christian Coalition) ever heard it, he'd get pretty damn pissed.
- age 16, Florida
I believe the terminology you use is not as important as what you get out of it. However, the term that I prefer is "having a wank." That's my vote — and always remember to wash your hands.
- age 17, Pennsylvania
Milking the cow — it's more like milk than anything else.
- age 25, Washington
Playing with Jimmy, because no one knows what I'm talking about.
- age 19, Florida
It has to be "wag the dog." I don't know if they say it anywhere else, but my friends and I were dying when the movie Wag the Dog came out.
- age 15, Delaware
By far, my favorite expression is "firing the Surgeon General." I like it because it's witty and pays a sly tribute to Dr. Joycelyn Elders.
- age 37, Maryland
My favorite is "firing the Surgeon General," because although it is frustrating that the Surgeon General was fired due to her views of masturbation, it lightens the issue and makes me laugh.
- age 17, California
"Shlap my shlong." This is not spelled wrong — it's how I say it. When you say the phrase it sounds like you're hung like a horse.
- age 18, Iowa
Without a doubt, it's "meating with Pamela Handerson."
- age 17, New York
"Wanking," which is easy and quick. My favorite local expression (Hong Kong Chinese) is "da fegei," which means "hitting the airplane." (What was it before there were airplanes?)
- age 49, Hong Kong
"Fly fishing." A male friend and I were talking on the phone one night, making up funny names for masturbating; we ran out of ideas when suddenly we noticed the Fishing Channel was showing a program about fly fishing. We both just started laughing.
- age 18, Maryland
"Grouting the tile." I don't know why, just that my sister who is 13 months older used to ask me if I "grout the tile." My wife picked it up and asks, "Honey, were you grouting the tile?" I just tell her I'm making her hair conditioner or face cream.
- age 35, California
"Getting it done" or "pulling one off" are most common among me and my friends. The first one is cool because we can use it in public without anyone really catching on. It's very subtle.
- age 18, Colorado
Around here, "'bating" is our term for masturbating when we talk about it — and we talk about it a lot!
- age 18, New Jersey
"Jerkin' the gherkin." I like it because it's just cool to say.
- age 14, Wisconsin
A while back I was making tunafish sandwiches. My roommate and I were talking in the kitchen as I was mixing in the mayonnaise, vigorously stirring the mixture. My roommate laughed and said that it sounded like himself when he was masturbating with lube. So even now, ten years later, we refer to masturbation as "stirring the tuna."
- age 37, Texas
My friend and I call it "e-mailing Bill." (Bill = William = Willy) That way we can talk about it in public — such as, "Hey, I e-mailed Bill five times yesterday!"
- age 17, Canada
The word "masturbation" sounds coarse. I tend to think of rubbing myself as "fingering myself" or "playing finger pie" — both from school days chat. Using my massager or shower, though, is "blissing off."
- age 35, United Kingdom (female)
"Peel the banana." Food is almost as satisfying as sex.
- age 28, Pennsylvania
I think "taking care of myself" is my favorite. It doesn't sound vulgar, and if I say it in public only the people I want will know what I'm talking about. It also reminds me of someone.
- age 23, New Jersey
"Visiting Ms. Hand" ("visitar a Dna. Manuela" in Spanish). It's the term my best friend and I use whenever we talk about it. The first time I asked him if he'd have a date with her, he just stared at me, wondering what I was talking about. Then after a while he understood the pun and started laughing.
- age 22, Spain
"Whip my skippy." I heard it on TV and I think it's so funny.
- age 18, Pennsylvania
It would have to be "walking the dog." I like it just because most people haven't heard it (around here anyway). It's always interesting to be standing around with my friends during lunch at school talking about walking our dogs when nobody else knows what it means. We always have fun explaining it to new people.
- age 14, Tennessee
I don't like to use any slang expressions. If I use them, I feel uncomfortable because people might think it is stupid or childlike — or, might not understand it! I just say "masturbate," and that makes me feel mature and gets the point across.
- age 15, Georgia
I prefer "rub one out." I think it's descriptive but not repulsive if said in the company of others. Also, it sounds funny, because people have to think about what you just said before they get it.
- age 29, Rhode Island
I like "beating your meat." Not only does it imply the sort of primal urge involved (beating), but also the term "meat" might make one think of the feel of the interior of a vagina.
- age 14, California
"Pound the ground round." I used to work at Wendy's, and some buddies and I joked about it that way since we worked with ground beef. One friend and I actually wound up "pounding it" together after work a couple of times.
- age 17, California
For the female, my favorite is "tickling the taco." I like this because it painted a very elaborate picture in my mind the first time I heard it. My favorite male slang would have to be "the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump." I just like the ring of that. No matter what you call it, though, it's great!
- age 15, California
"Skinning the bone." I am uncircumcised, and that is what I am doing with my foreskin when I pull it back and forth.
- age 48, South Carolina
"Pak chiew cheng" — this is a Chinese Hokkien dialect slang meaning "to shoot the handgun." It's graphic and very appropriate, since I learned it in the army.
- age 42, Singapore
"Doin' my monkey boy." It sounds rather humorous and usually puts a smirk on my face. I think I might have picked it up from a Beavis and Butt-Head episode (can you imagine?). I think it helps put a positive connotation on masturbation — that it is my very own unique pleasure, and I should make it as entertaining as possible.
- age 18, Canada
"Bashing your bishop." It's funny, short, and uses alliteration.
- age 15, England
I like "Spending quality time with your little friend," because it sounds so obnoxiously politically correct.
- age 16, Iowa
I like the term "masturbation." It's elegant, scientific, mature, and says everything I need. I find most of the slang terms pointless and juvenile, and I think they keep people from thinking about the subject maturely.
- age 18, Florida
