Voyage of discovery

I think I was about 6 or 7 when I discovered that rubbing my penis felt really good — not just nice, as it had felt when I was younger. It started with a "rosy palm" trick: grabbing my penis with one hand and rubbing the very tip of my penis with the palm of the other. The feelings were incredibly intense, and I couldn't do it for very long. A few times, I was able to do this with my friend John, who was about same age. We did this secretly, as somehow we knew it might get us into trouble. I also remember playing "doctor" with the girl next door, but I had no idea what her parts were really about. It was very sexually stimulating in a vague, naive sort of way. 

We moved by the time I was 8 years old, and these things went without further exploration until about age 10, when I began to ask enough questions that my father had "the talk" with me. I also received some information from one of my brothers, although he really didn't know that much. I found the whole thing baffling, but it was exciting as well. Over the next couple of years, I had a few chances to see an adult magazine or two, and to do some very simple sex play with friends: pretending to have sex, assuming a sexual position, and pressing on the other person with my groin and vice-versa. We talked a lot about "hard-ons" and "boners," but we didn't play show-and-tell or anything of that nature — that would have been too much for us. I didn't discover serious masturbation until later. The other kids and I never took our sex play to the point of orgasm, so it always had a sense of incompleteness to it.

In school, I was one of the youngest kids in my class. This mattered little until I entered junior high school. As a 7th grader, I was far less sexually developed than most of my peers. It was very embarrassing to be one of the "bald" kids, with a little boy's penis, in the locker room. Over the course of the end of 7th grade and the start of 8th grade, I started to have more sexual feelings and more frequent erections, although there was still no physical change. I had heard a lot of talk about sex at school, and I began to wonder what the point was — it didn't seem to be that special. There was also talk about "jerking off" or "jacking off," as well as other things like French-kissing, getting to "second base," etc. I didn't really know much about any of it, but I could tell that others knowing you "jacked off" was not a good thing, as boys who had been caught masturbating were severely teased. I did know about condoms and sex, and I even found one of my older brother's condoms one day. I tried it on, and it was so big and my penis so small that I just couldn't imagine a penis fitting into one of them! 

Finally, in 8th grade, I became determined to find out about masturbating and all the other things I had been hearing about. I couldn't find much information until I happened upon a book about sex in my parents' room one day. I quickly discovered the word "masturbation," but there were too many terms in there that didn't make sense, like "orgasm" and "climax." I decided to take the book into the bathroom to use it as a kind of a "how to" manual and find out for myself. I remember rubbing and rubbing my penis, like the book said. It felt good, and it was exciting to be on a voyage of discovery. That first time, it seemed like it took forever to have my first orgasm. Then, finally, it happened all of a sudden: my first, dry orgasm. I now understood what all the fuss over sex was about! I remember thinking that those 10 seconds or so (I timed it — quite the scientist I was) seemed like a minute or more. That first orgasm still is one of the best I have ever had.

I masturbated a lot after that. It became a race to determine how fast I could orgasm. (A big mistake — don't do that!) Then, one day, in the spring of my 8th grade, I finally found the first hairs on my penis. Shortly thereafter, I had my first ejaculation — one tiny, clear drop of fluid at the very tip of my penis. The change from little boy to "man" had seemed to happen overnight. I was so proud! I wanted to tell someone, but there was no one to tell — you didn't admit to masturbating back then.

The physical changes in my body happened quickly after the 8th grade. I remember that one day, my penis — which previously would fit neatly in one hand — had suddenly grown and now stuck out a bit. It all changed so fast: In about 2 months I had more hair, a somewhat longer penis, and ejaculation! I was embarrassed to walk around at school because I had an erection all the time. I also noticed that the head of the penis changed color around the time of orgasm. I thought for sure everyone who saw my penis in the bathroom or locker-room at school would know my secret, and that I would be humiliated! Luckily it didn't happen; nor did I realize that everyone else was doing the same thing. I also discovered the wonders of stimulating the prostate, through pressing on the perineum, and also sometimes pressing at the rectum.

I remember being in such a constant state of sexual arousal that it started to affect every aspect of my life. Finally, I began to wonder what other guys were going through: Was I alone, or did others have similar feelings and experiences? I remember waking up once to feeling the bunk bed shaking slightly, only to figure out from the rhythm of the shakes that my brother (who was 3 years older than me) was masturbating in bed. I pretended to ignore this, but I got excited just thinking about it. When he stopped and got out of bed naked, with his penis semi-erect, I waited for him to leave and then masturbated intensely. It felt good to know others did this, too — especially my older brother. I also "caught" him masturbating once, and it was gratifying to be able to embarrass him for a change. My brother and I never talked about any of those times. I later learned that all 3 of my older brothers masturbated, which helped a lot with the guilt and shame. 

I began to slowly explore sexuality with others. A friend and I looked at pornographic magazines his father owned and played with a deck of cards with 52 different sex positions. Sometimes we would pretend to get into those positions (like when I had been younger) and then talk about erections, etc. We finally worked up to feeling each other's penises: first through our clothes, then inside the underwear, and after a few instances of this, masturbating each other. My friend was more developed, so it was interesting for me to feel and see a bigger penis in action. I could hardly ejaculate once a day, let alone with any great amount, but my friend really could pump it out! Unfortunately, we both felt ashamed afterwards, and we never repeated or talked about the experience. That year when I was 13-14 years old, I had one other experience with a kid not as developed as me, so I got to return the favor of demonstration. There were other minor instances of sex play, but that was about it.

I also had my first girlfriend in the 9th grade, and I had sex for the first time. It was fun, but I think I was way too young to really understand it. I would have more experiences with girls later, during high school, and some steady girlfriends with whom I did some mutual masturbation. 

But over the next few years, while my own masturbation continued, I didn't have too many opportunities to explore much with either sex. I would wake up with an erection and masturbate so I didn't have to walk across the hall to the bathroom with a tent in my shorts. This was a daily ritual, and I also did it again at night. My parents didn't know why I had suddenly taken to spending my evenings in my room watching TV. But one day my father decided to find out what I was doing, and he walked in on me spread-eagled on the bed with my penis in hand. I was so shocked and scared, but he just said "oops" and closed the door. He never talked to me about it, although I wish he had. I will know better when it is my turn. I do remember reading some books about sexual development, and when I came to realize that all the guys were masturbating, did I feel relieved! 

As I got older, masturbation became a constant issue for me; it was difficult to wait until I got home from school. I remember doing it in the bathroom of my friend's house once, and outside in the yard at night. I tried lots of different things, putting my penis wherever it might feel good. When I had a little penis I had dreamed of the day that I would be large enough for a toilet-paper tube — and between ages 14 and 15 my penis became much bigger, overnight it seemed. I was now too big for the toilet-paper tube! I also remember being alarmed that my penis became somewhat bent as it grew, and that it seemed to bend to the left — coincidentally, the same hand I used. I read books frantically to find the answer, petrified that I would have to ask a doctor. Luckily I learned it's normal. I also remember being scared of the dreaded physical exam — it didn't matter who or what touched my penis or scrotum, I would become instantly erect! To my relief, that never happened. Of course, now the doctor performs all kinds of exams on me, and it doesn't bother me at all. 

At age 15, at the peak of my masturbation activity, my parents and I went on vacation to visit our friends, among them my friend John from early childhood. This involved long periods in the car and sharing hotel rooms, which meant no outlets for my sexual energy. I wasn't sure what I would do; I was certain I would explode if I couldn't masturbate, but it was nearly impossible to get privacy. Once I even tried to masturbate in the back of the car while going through Nevada, but it was too difficult. I was successful masturbating in a hotel pool using the water jet. That was cool, though I was scared of being caught! By the time we got to John's house, I was very sexually frustrated. John was 14 then and clearly as sexually developed as I was, but he didn't understand too much about it — I think his parents sheltered him. We talked a lot about sexuality, and we showed each other our penises. But he was shy, so I had to masturbate in private at first. Finally toward the latter part of the visit he tried masturbating, and we were able to do some simultaneous masturbation under the sheets, in our own beds.

My last time masturbating with a guy was after I finished high school. One of my best friends and I were hanging out at a place I was housesitting, talking about sex and looking at some magazines. We became aroused, and I really wanted to explore mutual masturbation again. I found two vibrators and suggested that he try them over his pants. It worked well to make us both more aroused, and we soon were pantsless and vibrating each other. He couldn't handle any actual touching with hands, though, other than to compare sizes. He acted like it was not really happening. I thought all through this that he was just "going along" and not really enjoying it, but then he ejaculated first. Afterwards, he used both of the vibrators on me — one on my penis, and one in my perineum. I had a screaming orgasm! The next day we were both embarrassed, having been raised good Catholics and all, but we knew we'd had fun. When I confronted him he admitted he was as into masturbation as I was, but that was the last time I masturbated with another male.

I grew up just in time for AIDS to hit the world, and between the paranoia of HIV and Catholic guilt, further sex play was out of the question. Since my school days, I have had many close friends; several issues surrounding solo, simultaneous, and mutual masturbation, as well as sexual orientation, have long since been demystified. I only wish I had understood sooner. 

I have since spent my time dating women. I continued to masturbate and felt (and still feel) no shame about it. I have tried new things, and I've learned to take my time and enjoy my body. Today, I am in my 30s, happily married, and committed to my wife. We know of each other's sexual past, and it has made us all the closer. I still masturbate, although not daily or more like I used to. Sometimes my wife and I masturbate together and/or each other. Sometimes, though, I still need to have time just to myself. I doubt that will ever change.