I grew up in a Southern family that was extremely religious. We never talked about sex, alcohol, or bodily functions. Our home was almost puritanical; I never saw my dad or brothers naked. I'm sure that my mother was actually afraid of sex; my dad never spoke of it, although I think he had a very strong libido, so he was probably hugely frustrated most of the time. (In mid-life he left my mother to have a torrid affair with another woman.) I began to have sexual fantasies around age 10, although I didn't realize that's what they were. Lying on my stomach in bed, I'd picture myself in the jungle with naked young men. I loved the feeling in my crotch, but I was sure it must be wrong to have such thoughts. My father never explained sex to me or my brothers.
My best friend Eddie, who lived across the street, was the source of my sex education, although some of it was incorrect. One day in 6th grade we were playing in the woods near my house. Without a word, Eddie pulled down his pants and showed me his penis. I was shocked, but really excited. I had never seen another boy's penis, and his was amazing — long and covered with hair! I was a late bloomer, and hadn't hit puberty yet. From that day on, Eddie and I would "compare notes" on the size of our penises, the appearance of hair on our bodies, etc. He became my sexual "mentor," although, curiously, he didn't tell me about masturbation. I didn't discover that pleasure until the 8th grade, when, rubbing my penis in the shower, my knees began to shake, and I exploded with my first orgasm. I was horrified, thinking I had injured myself; I felt guilty and prayed that God would help me quit this sinful habit. Soon, of course, my shower masturbation became a habit. I'd stay in there so long that my parents would yell at me for using up the hot water. One day I told Eddie about the fabulous activity I had discovered — but what was the white stuff that came out? He said, "Don't you know? That's where babies come from!" Of course I didn't know, and I felt embarrassed to be so sheltered. Now some of the talk I had been hearing from boys at school started to make sense, but I was too straight-laced to participate in their sexual conversations.
Around this time, Eddie and I began to masturbate together. His father traveled during the week, so when his mother would leave the house, he'd call me to come over. He found his parents' book about sexual positions; we'd get naked on his bed and look at the pictures, stroking our penises. By now I had reached puberty, and my penis was as large as Eddie's and thicker. On one rare night when my parents were out of the house, I called Eddie over to masturbate with me. He said, "I just did it, but I'll watch you do it" — what a huge turn-on! Another time, out in the woods, he asked me to masturbate him, which I did, standing behind him, stroking him until I thought my arm would fall off, until his semen splattered onto the dry leaves. He didn't return the favor, so I couldn't wait to get home and masturbate myself.
That summer Eddie and I, along with my younger brother and Eddie's cousin, Jimmy, spent a night in their mountain cabin. Jimmy was two years older, a jock with a great body. We dared each other to get naked. I couldn't believe the size of Jimmy's penis! It must have been 8 inches long, banana-shaped, and covered with dark hair that ran in a line up his belly. I couldn't stop staring at it. We stroked ourselves for a while, but not to orgasm. As soon as the lights were out, I felt Eddie's hand creep into my sleeping bag. For the next half hour we fondled each other, but not to orgasm; I was afraid of being heard, and also of having to clean up the mess. After 8th grade Eddie and I gravitated to different sets of friends, and our masturbation sessions ceased. By 10th grade he had a girlfriend; when his mother left the house, I would notice Cathy's car pulling into Eddie's driveway. I knew what they were doing together, and I was jealous. Countless times I masturbated to the memories of Eddie's penis.
Ironically, Eddie and I had one last sexual encounter during 10th grade. I remember that occasion like it was yesterday, and still use it as a masturbation fantasy: It was a winter afternoon and I had just gotten home from school, when Eddie told me on the phone, "My mom just left — come on over." I couldn't wait; I hurried across the street to his back door. His house was laid out so that, from the back door, you could see through a central hall into Eddie's bedroom. There he was, stretched out naked on his bed, stroking his erect penis. Instantly I was erect, too, but a little tentative, because we hadn't masturbated together in quite a while. I walked into his room and stood beside the bed, looking down at him. He looked up at me and said, "So get your clothes off and get on the bed." I was wearing the very tight Levis that were in style then. When I unzipped my jeans, my penis popped straight out in front of me. I laid down next to Eddie, and we began stroking each other, while he talked about what he and Cathy did in the same bed. Then he told me to do something I had never done before: He asked me to suck on it. I wasn't sure I wanted to, but I did it, and he started groaning. This went on for a few minutes, when suddenly we heard the back door open: It was Eddie's mom! We hadn't heard her drive up. I leaped off the bed and grabbed my clothes. Eddie told me to get in the closet. He shut the bedroom door just as his mom walked into the hall. "What are you doing in there?" she called out. "Just changing my clothes, Mom," he said. I was almost dressed; we heard her go into the bathroom. "Go!" he whispered. I scooted out the back door, my shirttail flapping as I darted back across the street. I could hardly breathe, I was so scared at how close we came to being caught!
Eddie and I never spoke about that day, and we never masturbated together again. I had begun to suspect that I was gay, but I wouldn't admit it to myself for several more years. My generation didn't talk about the subject openly, and I was careful to hide behind my religious upbringing. Eddie and I drifted apart; I remained the straight-laced all-A's student, while he joined a rock band and got into drugs. I attended a conservative college, where I kept my sexuality to myself while masturbating frequently in secret.
Ironically, my first really fulfilling sexual experience happened on that very college campus. I became close friends with Steve, who was two years younger, and I felt sure he was gay. The year after I graduated, I returned to that city during Christmas holidays. Steve had a job there, so he was staying in his dorm room over the holidays. We met for dinner and drinks, then went back to the dorm, where we talked and drank late into the night. As the conversation progressed, it became obvious that both of us were dancing around the issue of our sexuality. I was really hot for Steve, but unsure whether to make a move; finally I said, "I feel like taking a shower — wanna come with me?" He followed me into the bathroom, I got the water steamy, and we got naked. I had never done this with anyone, but I had fantasized about it for years. It was incredible! We stayed under the hot water until we could barely stand, relaxed from the heat and the alcohol, then stumbled back to his bed. When I had the first orgasm, he swallowed it. I couldn't believe how great this all felt. I remember thinking, "So this is what it's like — this is what I've wanted for so long!"
During the next year, Steve and I met several times for sex, although we lived several hours apart. Eventually it became inconvenient, but he and I, now 52 and 50, still remain in touch. Since then I've had a couple of relationships, but I have never found the partner I'm looking for. Unfortunately, I still live in the South, in a town where there aren't many available gay men. Several years ago I came out; I was fired from my job, but I found great freedom in being honest about myself.
When I was an adolescent, I figured I'd "outgrow" masturbation, but I still do it as regularly as ever, pretty much every day. I just recently discovered JackinWorld; it's a terrific resource for people of any age. I wish it had been around when I was a teenager. It would've spared me a lot of guilt — and I wouldn't have been dependent on Eddie!
Do you find yourself masturbating more often during some seasons than others? Why?
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Dry leaves
Gender:
Male