Like basketball

I am a 44-year-old African-American male. I got interested in masturbation long before I could do it. When I was very young I found my parents' stash of erotic magazines and books. There was one story, "Memoirs of a Southern Belle," that I will never forget. It was about a girl's sexual awakening during the Civil War. It is still the basis of many of my masturbation fantasies today. 

My first masturbation to orgasm occurred when I was in high school. One day I was in my parents' room alone, watching television. There was an image of a woman in a bikini on TV. Seeing her, I started rubbing myself on the floor, imitating sexual intercourse. I'd done this many times before — but on this occasion it felt exceptionally good. I kept doing it, and it kept feeling better. I climbed onto my parents' bed and continued until I ejaculated. I was so surprised and filled with wonder at the same time.

After that, I began to masturbate regularly by rubbing my penis against a pillow. That was my preferred method for a long time. We had mirrors in our hallway, and I would lie on the floor and do the pillow while I watched myself in the mirror. My brother was also interested in pornography, and he got hold of a sex toy that was a sleeve you blew up like a balloon. I used to hold it against the wall and whale away. I also liked to use a pillow folded in half on top of my clothes dresser, which was only two drawers high. Later on I learned the "Fist" method, which has become my method of choice ever since.

When I was an adolescent, I felt very guilty about masturbating because I felt like a pervert — but of course that did not prevent me from doing it. I just did it and felt guilty. I lost my virginity at a very late age, due to my religious upbringing. So I experimented with masturbation to the fullest, in lots of different places, and frequented X-rated movie houses, which were popular then. One time I was in an X-rated movie and had to go to the bathroom. The bathroom had old-style urinals from the floor to chest level. I was trying to pee, but my penis was so hard I just started to masturbate. As I ejaculated, two men came downstairs. I quickly pulled my penis back in my pants and thought I had gotten away with it, but as I passed them they had this funny look on their faces. I looked down after I'd passed and saw that all my semen was on the front of my pants. That was the most embarrassing masturbation moment of my life.

I didn't get married until I was 38. By then masturbation was a solid part of my life and I had gotten over the guilt part. I felt very comfortable in my sexuality, in my ability to take care of my own sexual needs. I've had two sexual partners in my life, including my wife. After we were married, I stopped masturbating for a while, but soon I found out I needed that bit of privacy masturbation afforded me. It was the one time when I felt in total control of my life and my emotions. It didn't mean I loved my wife any less — but when I masturbated I touched a part of myself only I could reach by myself. My wife has a hard time with this, because she feels she should be enough to satisfy my sexual needs — but I feel masturbation helps me in my heterosexual sex life, because I know my body and how to make it feel good.

My wife says she cannot masturbate, and I think she feels jealous because I can. I've tried to explain to her that it doesn't take away from the sexual experience with her because there is an erotic component to our lovemaking that is absent from the masturbatory experience, but she doesn't understand that. She sees masturbating as a form of adultery. I have given up trying to explain it to her.

As I've grown older masturbation has become more of a time to explore my feelings than a sexual outlet. When I was younger I never needed lubrication, but as I have gotten older I find lubrication is better (after several incidents when I made myself bleed by my vigorous technique). I felt for a long time like I was the only person in world who masturbated, until I met a friend with whom I started sharing X-rated videos. We openly talk about masturbation, and it has made me feel less guilty about it.

I also have a friend who is gay. He wants me to masturbate with him, but I have refrained. I feel this would ruin our relationship, because we would be doing the same thing for different reasons. Homosexual relations are not my thing. I met a guy in an X-rated movie who wanted to have sex with me. We both masturbated while watching the movie. He wanted to do more than masturbate together. I didn't. All my masturbation sessions have been solo, except for one time I masturbated in front of my girlfriend.

I think JackinWorld is a good site for kids so they don't go thorough a lot a stupid changes like I did. I wish I'd had JackinWorld when I was younger. It would have saved me a lot of grief, but now I feel like I have nothing to be ashamed about masturbating. During one session I stuck an object in my anus while masturbating. I kept associating masturbating with being gay, which I found out later was not the case. As I've matured, I've seen that masturbation is a male activity that is neither homosexual or heterosexual — it just is. I would like masturbation eventually become a part of the male psyche, like basketball, and I'd like to see the "loser" or "homosexual" stigma become a thing of the past.

Thank you for listening. It's a shame that something we all do is the something that keeps us all apart.