When I masturbate, I have to rub my penis over my pajama pants. I can't look at my penis ejaculate – it grosses me out. And being gay, I have been with other guys, but I cannot ejaculate and I don't want them to. I'll reach a point where I can feel my semen about to come out, and then all of a sudden I get scared and disgusted and I lose my erection, and when they give a slight hint that they'll soon ejaculate I'll stop whatever I'm doing and put my clothes on and I'll all of a sudden become disgusted in the guy, just by the thought of semen. I cannot climax when I masturbate or have sex because I'm so terrified at the prospect of just watching myself (or somebody else) ejaculate. It has gotten to the point where I am paranoid that semen is all over the place – like my toothbrush and food and other people's hands, and it makes me despise masturbating. Is this an everyday anti-sperm problem, or is it more psychological? What is the best way to get over this without freaking out?
- age 18, California
You are describing an extreme psychosexual dysfunction that isn't normal in any way, shape, or form. Clearly it's preventing you from functioning sexually, either with a partner or alone. It may be an extreme manifestation of masturbation guilt or internalized homophobia, but that is something you will need to sort out in therapy. The situation isn't hopeless, but seeking professional help is almost certainly the only way you will be able to come to terms with the very ordinary concept of semen as a normal body secretion. With guidance you may be able to root out the cause of the problem and work toward leading a normal life, which will allow you to enjoy both sex and masturbation without this huge hindrance getting in the way.
Do you find yourself masturbating more often during some seasons than others? Why?
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