Muppet babies

I discovered this wonderful aspect of human life when I was 13. How I discovered it is quite a long story, perhaps similar to others' experiences.

For many years, I had suffered from insomnia. I would try to go to sleep and would simply not be able to, because I was too busy thinking. The problem was, the things I was thinking about frightened me and boggled my mind — things like living forever and infinity, the vastness of space, etc. (Weird, I know.) Sometimes I would sit up in bed, grab my head between my hands, and squeeze, begging myself and Satan (I blamed the unpleasant thoughts on him) to stop thinking about these things, and asking God for help. (I'm very religious; my father is a pastor.)

To solve this problem, with the help of raging hormones, I began to think about girls. I would even imagine, while I was thinking about one particularly fine and well-endowed girl, that a space between my two fluffy pillows was her cleavage, and I would bury my face in it.

Kids on the bus had started talking about "jacking off" and "masturbating," two terms I was familiar with but not sure of their meaning. I knew it had something to do with smacking your penis, but I wasn't sure. Before getting in the shower, I tried slapping my penis a few times, but it didn't feel that good, and I would just go about my shower. Then I had my first (and only) "wet dream." I didn't wake up during it; I just woke up in the morning and there was a wet spot on my bed. I wasn't sure what it was. Now I realize it was a nocturnal emission.

Then, I started wearing boxers all the time, having worn briefs my whole life until this point. Eventually I was experimenting with lying in my sheets naked, which felt really good. And then, one night, lying in the nude in my bed, I started rubbing myself, and wound up ejaculating. And boy, did it feel great! The problem was, I ejaculated into the sheets. I continued with this method until one day I saw my mom washing my sheets and saying, "What on earth is this?" referring to the dried, unbending spot on my sheets from dried semen. So, from then on, I wound masturbate under the sheets and throw them off at the last minute.

I don't remember if I began before then, or when I had my first erection. As far as I can remember, I've always gotten erections. This is probably not accurate, but that's what it feels like. I do remember getting erections when I was maybe as young as 8. I got them from watching a certain episode of "Muppet Babies," where a potion makes them grow into huge monsters. For some reason, this gave me a boner. Later, a similar episode of "Dexter's Laboratory" (involving flying and growing into a huge monster) gave me an erection as well.

For some odd reason, for my whole life, I've been concerned about my size. And I'm not just talking about penis size (I'll get to that in a minute). I've always wanted to be the tallest and strongest person in all of my school classes. And I guess the thought of being able to change my size at will made me horny somehow.

This body-size obsession must have carried over into obsession with penis size as I grew older. I've always been self-conscious about my less-than-average penis size, and I have had fantasies where it was 8 or 9 inches long. That idea turns me on like crazy. And sometimes, like when reading JackinWorld, I'll get so jealous when I read about someone having a huge penis that I get depressed. It's a real problem sometimes. Now, my penis isn't that much smaller than average. It's 5 3/8", but I would love to have a length of 7 1/2" and girth of 5 1/4".

I've investigated various penis-enlargement services on the Internet. I found out about "jelqing," which is supposedly a secret Arabic technique used for penis enlargement. When I learned how to do this (it's just "The Milker" on JackinWorld, except with a Backhand grip, and you do it for like 30 minutes), I did it for about 2 weeks. I saw no changes, but the sites said it took about 2 months to see significant results. I've given it up for now — I don't want to injure myself or anything. But I'd LOVE to have a bigger penis.

I've never had a real group session. I have masturbated in front of my friends, but either in my sleeping bag as a dare or in pitch dark. (I don't want them to see me and they don't want to see. I'm just that way.) But one time it was while watching one of the few pornos I've seen, so that was really good. Maybe someday soon my friend and I will masturbate at the same time, but with the lights off.

Probably the most public place I've ever masturbated at was at church camp. During the week, my cabin had been playing truth or dare, with most of the dares having something to do with streaking, rubbing your crotch against something, or something similar. This got me very turned on, and I started to masturbate while we were playing. The problem with this was I was on a top bunk, and when I started stroking, it made the whole bed rock back and forth and squeak. The kid under me asked me if I was "going up and down." I denied it, and stopped. So later in the week, we slept in a big hall in our sleeping bags, and when everyone was asleep, I finished what I had started a couple of days before.

My favorite way to masturbate is to simply lie on my back and use the fist, but I really like it better without lube, since that's how I started. Sometimes, I have to use lube. I usually masturbate 1 or 2 times a day, and my record is 5.

I've tried videotaping myself, but I didn't like it that much. I enjoy the techniques on JackinWorld (especially theHandstand, Hole Opener, and Butterfly), but too often I'm distracted from the pleasure by making sure I do it right (i.e., on the Handstand, making sure I don't hit myself in the face).

I'm sure I'll continue masturbating the rest of my life. I love it. When I get married, I hope my future wife will also enjoy masturbating and will do it for me (both to herself and me). I've never had a girlfriend (I know, sad), but I know I'm not going to have sex before I get married (As I said, I'm very religious). The way I see it, masturbation is a great alternative to fornication, and I'm going to keep doing it.

Enjoy yourselves, JackinWorld readers!