Hogan's Heroes

I don't remember the first time I masturbated. The first time I remember I was very young, probably between the 2nd and 3rd grade. My brother and sister and I had been playing, but I said I was going to take a nap and asked them to be quiet because, "the kind of dreams I want to dream I need quiet for." I lay under the covers, pulled down my pants, and began rubbing my penis ("peepee" as it was called) on the mattress. I fantasized about masturbation ("it" as I called it) being contagious, and that if anyone slept in my bed after I had done it then they would do it, too. I fantasized that if girls "caught" it they would grow penises. I thought that since I was under the covers they wouldn't be able to see me – but of course I know now they could see my hips moving.

I masturbated that way for about a year, and then I switched positions. I would lie on my back with my knees up and push my penis back and forth between my legs. I mostly did it only at night when the lights were out, in part so that my brother wouldn't see.

As I got into the 4th or 5th grade I started to masturbate in the afternoons. After watching "Hogan's Heroes," fantasizing about outsmarting Germans somehow turned me on. I would crawl into my top bunk, take off all my clothes under the covers, and rub my penis on my pelvis. I stopped taking off my clothes, though, when my brother went and tattled to my mom. She told me if I was embarrassed to do something, I shouldn't do it.

I was embarrassed, but somehow I had the feeling no one else was doing what I was doing. When I was very young, before I started doing "it," my mom had told me not to touch myself. I suppose that was the source of my embarrassment. If anybody had told me masturbation was wrong I'd have had no idea what they were talking about. I had no idea that's what "it" was called.

I was in the 6th grade when my mom had a little talk with my brother. He had developed the habit of playing "pocket pool" while lying in the living-room recliner. I guess he'd thought that, like me under the covers, we couldn't see his hand move if it was in his pocket. A little later he came to me (and interrupted me while masturbating, by the way) and asked did I know what Mom had been talking about. He explained that masturbating was a way to get the same feeling as having sex. At last! I had a name for "it." And it was like sex. How bizarre. I'd never really made the connection. Sex was another of those things that wasn't talked about.

Not that no one tried to talk about sex. In the 7th grade, just before the semester change, they showed my gym class a film about puberty. It was unusual, first because it used anatomically correct illustrations, second because they showed it to boys and girls together, and third because they'd sent home no permission slips. At semester I changed to art but found out later the gym classes were making an in-depth study of sex. They had been told not to tell their parents, but my cousin didn't think that was right – so he left the textbook out for his mother to find. Among the things she found objectionable was that it advocated masturbation. This would have been 1983, so the first proponents were coming out of the closet, but no Surgeons General had said anything about it. She went to the principal, who evidently knew nothing about it. He put a stop to it and quickly hushed the whole thing up. I longed to ask my friends what they'd learned in gym class, but actually I didn't have any. The whole thing was obviously wrong anyway. My mom said, "His (my cousin's) church teaches that masturbation is a sin. Actually, so does ours."

I belong to that lost generation of Catholics which was not properly educated about the Faith. I thought if it was taught that something was wrong it must be wrong, and I didn't question that. I know now, based on my own study of the Faith, that we are not called to believe things unquestioningly, although upon questioning we should come to the conclusion that the Church is right, unless our own conscience tells us otherwise. I could not have known, however, what the Church teaches about masturbation or anything sexual, because no one ever talked about it.

I sometimes tried to give up masturbating for Lent, but never got very far.

Even though I knew it was supposed to be bad, I didn't know why it was. How could something that feels so good be bad? I mentioned it in Confession only twice, but eventually I decided it wasn't a serious sin.

I masturbated by rubbing my penis on my pelvis until I was a sophomore in high school. I was in a play in which one of the other characters was to mime rolling dice. But during rehearsal he did it as a masturbation motion. He had to explain to one of the girls that it represented masturbation. I thought, "Gee – I don't masturbate that way. I wonder if it works." Sure enough. I've been using a full fist grip ever since.

At least by then I knew other people masturbate. Both my brother and I had a large collection of crusty Kleenexes under our pillows and yellow stains in the front of our underwear.

During my Freshman year in college I was able to do it in the afternoons while my roommate was in class. Sometimes, though, I had to dive under the covers and claim taking a nap if he walked in unexpectedly. I took a lot of "naps" in college. My sophomore year I had my own room for a semester. My junior year my roommate was always there cutting class (and not masturbating, by the way), so I took to doing it in the shower. We had private showers and I figured no one could hear over the sound of the water. Wrongo! On a trip to a convention I overheard two of the girls in our group discussing the showers in our hotel. Donna said, "Michael should like these." Jean asked, "Why?" Donna said, "He likes to do it to himself in the shower." Jean said, "Really!?" as her eyes bugged out in disbelief, like she'd never heard of such a thing. I was amused that I was the subject of a rumor (and did masturbate in the hotel shower, by the way) but decided if my private actions weren't private I shouldn't do them. I started masturbating late at night when my roommate was asleep. On the weekends I'd find seldom-frequented restrooms and locker rooms on campus where I could masturbate uninterrupted.

How I wish I'd known then what I know now. If JackinWorld had been around I would have just gone ahead and worked it as soon as the lights went out. If the roommate heard, I'd hope he enjoyed it. If I went back to college today that's how it would be. I wouldn't expose myself to my roommate, but I wouldn't have any shame, either.

I masturbated for the first time with another guy just after my 21st birthday. I was visiting a sauna with friends. Everybody was naked and soapy. When it was down to just two of us, Tom came over and started rubbing me. He wanted to have sex, but I wouldn't let him do that, so we just masturbated together. We did it together a lot for 2 years after that. He's the only man I've ever masturbated with where it wasn't part of a sexual experience.

Today, I've had my own room or even lived alone for more than 7 years. During that time I've learned a lot about pleasing myself. Just being able to take off all my clothes and throw the covers back during ejaculation provides an exciting freedom. I've done it in front of mirrors, standing, kneeling, in restrooms at K-Mart and the library, in every room of the house. One thing I notice is that it takes a long time these days. It's as if learning to take my time and truly give myself pleasure has ended my ability to have a quickie.

Do I have any regrets? I regret being caught by my brother in the library restroom. Actually I really advise against doing it in any kind of public restroom. Police patrol these places looking for gay men having sex, but they might settle for a masturbator. In fact, on a slow day they might get you for shaking it off more than three times, so never do it in a restroom.

Masturbation is the most natural thing in the world. Your body has a physical need to use its reproductive system, so do it. Don't let anybody tell you it's wrong.